Up and down and up and Down…

Hey everyone! The company night out has gone down. It was overwhelming! My colleagues took it really well. Just on guy doesn’t know cause he went to sleep too early… I’m leaving him out of the look for now, it was stressful enough telling so many people in such a small time window so I’m not too keen on telling him now. I’ll wait till the opportunity is right. The guy I was totally worried about was to my huge surprise very supporting and rally cool with it. They still don’t get what being transgender is about, so now some of their questions or remarks can be quite uncomfortable. But since I told them, I feel much more at ease when I’m at work. So things are looking up from that end.

On the other hand I feel terrible cause my mom still refuses to believe that I’m TG. There’s more thing I can’t write about just yet. Added to that, “S” has decided to sort stuff between us through the court. I just received a letter calling us to the Judge and next week, some women from the court will take a look at my apartment to decide In whose custody the kids are going to be. She did it cause of money, although I’m giving her all I can, barely have enough for myself, she still wants more… I know it’s hard for her, but I’m also struggling, hard, and she doesn’t see that at all.

Lately the shit seems to be piling up, there is so much to handle and deal with. Too much of it. I just wish I could be me and live in peace.

Fucking hell,,, I can’t believe I’m going to court. This is so humiliating. I’ll be standing there and everyone will say: That guy says he’s a trany just to leave his family. God I hate myself for being this way right now…

Breakthrough

I haven’t been writing anything lately, sorry. Past two months have been… eventful…

“S” has had a change of mind, saying she doesn’t want to fight any more, that she’s tired of it, that the kids should have a at least “partially functioning” family. Since then we have been going out here and then. Cinema, pub, botanic garden, restaurant, spending some time together. It has been great to be with her, but it’s very painful for me to even write about it. I miss her so much. Seeing again how she thinks of the same things as me when watching a movie together, how we “get” our jokes, moods and all… How beautiful she is, I could go on and on… The feeling of guilt is eating its way through my heart at every moment I think of her. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do, career wise, as a single mother of two, with no man at her side. I want to be with her, be there for her. I spoke of this with her. But she can not imagine to be with me at all, she still sees me as neither man nor woman, still sees me as a monster(her own words). What I will do is: 1) Keep going out with her (I love her = have to see her no matter the pain) 2) Hope she finds a man she can give her heart to (very jealous but her happiness and security is higher priority) 3) Not go mad cause of my pain and think of my family before doing anything “stupid”

The biggest event for these past two months is that, Dr. Weiss (which is the num.1 in transgender issues in CZ) whom I’ve  seen two months ago, has sent a psychological diagnosis to my psychologist. The diagnosis reads: Gender identity test according to FDT test – female; Transgender – male-to-female…This has been such an emotional break for me.

 

For the past 4-5 months I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t know if I’m really a girl or just crazy or if I have any dangerous disorder or anything… This has lifted all of that. I took the report to my mom. She said: So, you’ve really brought it to me black on white… I think she didn’t have  words to say. She asked what I was talking about with my shrink, I had no problem in telling her. Before I went from the tattoo studio upstairs to my place, she gave me a hug full of promise of support…When I came upstairs I burst into tears. Thinking of hardships of the past 6 months, the relive that came was overwhelming. I cried like a little girl 🙂 What has changed: 1) I know that I’m not crazy, dysfunctional, sociopathic or otherwise “ill” ^_^ 2) I’m much more comfortable using female pronouns 3) A tiny bit more comfortable in crowds of people… My dad doesn’t know yet. My sister might know it, if not, she’ll find out from this post. Yesterday I got a haircut from the hair dresser that provides services for our studio. It looks something like this—————–>

It makes me even more comfortable cause I really like it, like a lot ^_^ Also I’m realising that although I have a really manly face, I CAN change. I did my eye brows in a androgynous style and my hair is more feminine by the day, and it does  make a difference. Still hate the rest of my face though… What I need next is getting rid of facial hair, by laser or by electrocution.Can’t imagine how much the plastic surgeries for facial feminisation are going to cost… Or better said, Can imagine how much it’s gonna cost, just can’t imagine how I’m gonna get the money together…

At  work it’s starting to get more exciting every day. My boss Eva knows that I’m TG. So now we’re both giving out hints buried in conversation. When/if they find out or start asking, don’t know what I’m gonna say,,, the truth of course. But that will jeopardies my job, among other things…Some of them are going to be fine I think (the women), BUT, the others (80-90% of the men) have a high predisposition to behave like cavemen and be,,,like,,,men, I guess ?_? Because of them, I haven’t “come out” at work fully yet.  A party is coming up tomorrow. Just our dept. of logistics. I’m really looking forward to it cause I’m very lucky to have collogues like this. They are all interesting and unique in their ways… I don’t think it’s gonna be a good place to come out to them all. The breaking point for me is a great collogue that is very family driven, and I think he might be very critical to downright aggressive. And because I like him a lot, I don’t want to get into a fight with him. I hate hurting people I like… What I’ll do: 1) I’ll Consolidate my boss on the idea of coming out to them 2) I’ll put some heavy fucking thought into telling them!!! 3) Tell one of them (she’s called Maki, like the sushi, she’s a great gal :)) first at the party and hope for the best. I think she will be a quite accepting and valuable ally in the upcoming debate (you know, when I drop the TG bomb),,. nuf said 4) Collaborate a contingency plan; in case shit does hit the fan.

So,,, the journey has begun. I strongly hope that I’ll get HRT asap. But I’ll find that out in two weeks time. Also, My great friend Sam has decided to make the first step and made an appointment with the best Psycho Therapist and sexologist for TG people in CZ. I’m really happy for him 🙂

Thanks for your attention and time ^_^

Everything I do…

Soo, the past few days have been eventful. Most recently, I have been on vacation, in the mountains away from civilization, away from people, from everything. Well, out of 11 people that were supposed to come, only 2 came, for various reasons. Way up there in the mountains, my best two friends and I enjoyed a great night together, had a great laugh. But the next day, the second person had to leave cause he didn´t get days off, so my best friend left with him to get supplies and to find his dog, which ran away from him on his way up the mountain (long story). My best friend didn´t come back, all his stuff was there, I started to get really worried. I spent 24 hours up there alone, worrying about my friend, scared that something might have happened to him on the way back up (he´s crazy enough to try it through the woods up the mountain at night without no light). Also, I was scared as hell cause of all the noises in the forest, with friends it´s magical, without them however, it´s scary as hell… During the 24 hours of solitude, my depression kicked in hard, I can not describe all the thoughts that went through my head at the time. Maybe the hardest things were that for one, I felt like I´m completely alone in the world. And secondly, I could not stop thinking about “S” and how much I miss my children. I haven’t seen them for two weeks! And I´m too scared too even send a message to “S” to ask how my boys are doing, cause I´m too afraid that she will again start to write stuff like “Just kill yourself already, my children are better off without a monster like you” and other even more hurtful things. Hopefully I’ll see the boys this weekend. Thing is, even though “S” is trying to make my life as uncomfortable as possible right now, in those 24 hours of solitude, I couldn´t stop thinking about her. That same very place in the mountains is the place we first made love. It got to me,,, I miss her very much in my life, I still love her… So I spent my time alone up there remembering everything I love about her…

Lately, no matter what I try to make myself feel better, nothing works. I feel like I´m losing the fight. It´s like a set of scales, one end holds the promise of a better life, my children, my family, my friends. And the other end is pushed down by my incompetence to live a normal life, the depression, anxiety, suicide, my body. Today my mom talked to me about some issues: “S”, my gender identity, my kids, and money (she´s been greatly supporting me moneywise cause I´m such a fuckup), and I stood there listening and all I could think about is “Run upstairs, run away, open up your arteries and let´s be done with it”… The suicidal thoughts are coming everyday now… But enough of that for today.

In other news, Sherry, a genderqueer friend that has been on Prague Pride with me, has been great support and I thank the gods, that there are people like her in this world. Next, I thank you, readers, for your support, every comment and follow is giving me strength and letting me know that this blog is not a piece of junk. And lastly, I´m really sorry that my recent posts are just so depressing and venting. It´s just that, when I try anything creative lately, my mind wonders off,,, back to me being what I am and I destroy the piece, take my pills and go to sleep. I´ll do my best to put some creative stuff, some lighter stuff  on here though. I promise…

Stay tuned, love to you all and good night ^_^

Thoughts on Prague Pride and being transgender…

So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.

From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.

When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.

Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning:  “Take the scalpel and make the pain and

blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…

I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…

Poetry from the past

Wow, never thought I´ll find these pieces again. In this post you´ll find a few short pieces of text that I have written back in 2009, in a bad state of mind. The world was crushing me blow after blow and this is one of the ways I coped. Excuse my bad writing and other short comings, my english was a bit worse those days. All images used for this post are copyright © Jenni Tapanila aka Suzi9mm. I love the work of Jenni cause of the beutiful contrast of white and crimson red, and because of the way it makes me feel love, hate, happines, sadnes and other alike feelings all at once. Here it goes:

The good and the bad… 

The strange things I see,
again, looking out of the window,
I see the good and the bad,
the happy and the sad.
I see a little bird,
for the first time leaving its nest,
a child,
feeding on its mothers brest,
a young soldier,
saved by his bulletproof vest.
But what would the good be without the bad,
I see a hopeless man hoping for the best,
a loving father resisting arrest,
an unbourn baby,

failing lifes test,
such is the way the good and the bad manifest…
With every pain we learn,
some people don´t understand,
the good things in life, we have to earn,
and for some we have to burn…
Hardship makes us strong,
how much pain can we take?
The road to nirvana is long,
so we have to fight,
untill we hear the last song,
this is the way it has to be,
It´s not our right, to ask what is right and what is wrong,
I do not wish to face this alone,
I just hope, that you will come along…

Thousend reasons…

You and me,
a dieing breed,
you are afraid of where this could lead,
let go, no fear,
makeing you happy is my creed,
I will do it for you,
even if I have to bleed,
your love, your light, is what I need,
I´m falling in love head over feet…
Open your heart,
forget the things around,
open it wide,
and let me iside,
lets go wilde,
let us feel together,
spend the days side by side…
As seasons change,
stars rearange,
one thing stays the same,
I don´t finde it strange.
These words might be strange stuff,
but they dont change,
like the earth below, and the skys above,
this thing I can´t change is love…
I´m not a writer as such,
and now I wrote too much,
I would give you a thousend reasons,
but for now, it should be enough…

The fallen…

I shut my eyes, see your face,
you hve touched my soul in new ways,
like no one has touched it in all of my days,
emotion in waves, washing me away,
the memory stays…
I dearly miss the last kiss,
what have I done to deserv this,
feels like all my life is filled with injustice,
I am ready to fall into the abyss,
traped in a dream, I wonder if I still exist…
Again, I think of you,
I don´t know what to do,
I knew, that this world is cruel,
I tryed to ignore it, I feel like a fool,
like a used tool,
it´s true, I´m lost without you…
I think of the past,
you turned me away,
you sayed it went too fast
and it just wuld´t last…
The moments we had,
magic and rad,
it´s so sad, that things turned out so bad,
I´m going mad,
stereing at an empty bed…
I wish you could take my hand,
be with me in this far land,
time is passing like shifting sand,
I´m trying to understand…
I can´t, I can´t…

Regardless Conffesion…

As the days are passing by,
I feel the need to confess,
tell me father,
why must life be such a mess,
I look out of the window,
see hearts filled with pain, and heads full of stress,
searching for the light,
finding only warm welcoming darkness,
I pass,
every time I try to find the light,
I get a kick in the ass…
Wondering what the future brings,
the compas pointing east,
I hear the calling,
prepare for the bloody feast,
waiting for fate to decide,
wich will it be, the beuty or the beast…
On this jurney, I find my self awake,
on the botom of the deepest lake,
the way up is long,
it might be too late,
again, I think of ouer first date…
In the dim light of that night,
your eyes shineing as bright as the stars,
your lips, filled with promise, deep red,
I was thinking that I was in paradise,
that I was dead,
with all those emotions in my heart and in my head,
it´s getting late,
now it´s time to go to bed…
I hope,
I hope, that with time,
I can call you mine…

Confesion of hope…

The taste of coffee, bitter sweet on my tonge,
Thinking of the things I have done,
and not done,
I look at the moon, think of the sun,
I look at the stars,
and think of what we might become…
Sudenly, I stand still, and quietly,
I close my eyes and hold my breath,
as I think of the beuty in life and death,
I think in depth,

of the memories I have kept,
can´t forget, the time we first met…
In this cold and lonely night,
my mind is with you, searching for your light,
I wish I could hold you in my arms,
hold you tight,
you give me strength to fight,
the fight that is life…
Like a storm coming from clear skys, love came over me,
so sudenly, violently and yet, naturaly,
a strong bond, pulling me towards you iresistably,
all I hope for, all I wish for,
is for you to cross the sea,
join me here, so we can live together happyly,
that´s the way I wish things to be…

Why…

Why…

I try to touch the sky, make my soul fly…

Next thing I know, I hear a sound,

I hit the ground…
At the botom of the sea, no one hears my scream,
is this some kind of fucked up dream?..
Now I have no doubt, this world´s a bitch,

let me out, let me out!..
Now all alone in the sun,
waiting for the cool of the night to come,
I try to run, I can´t, I´m done…
It was a dream, but the pain is real,
so real, I feel like a broken wheel…
I sleepwalk away, try to make it trough the next day,
it´s a heavy price i have to pay…
My place is where nothing is promised,
my life is filled with less hope then the prophesies of Nostradamos…
She said sweet dreams, now all I have is hot tears,
empty dreams and a lung full of screams…

Time will tell…

It’s time for the Pride!

Prague Pride is the largest LGBT Pride festival in Europe. It’s happening on the 17^th this month and I will be there for the first time! I am sooo excited, I can’t wait. This years “theme” is coming out, which is very fitting for me. I’ll be there with a few of my friends and it’s going to be the firs time that I’ll be completely En femme. The big thing is, everything just got together somehow (won’t bore you with the details) and we are going to start making a transgender documentary. By chance I met a professional cameraman, he films for TV and for a Dakar racing team. I’ve seen some of his work and I’m really looking forward to do this with him of all people. First I wanted to make it a documentary for transgender people that are struggling like me and to raise awareness of transgender issues for cisgender people. The awareness part is very important to me, because people here know as much about us as they knew about gay and lesbian people 20 years ago. Originally I only wanted to post this on youtube and a few others (I didn’t know that he also works for TV) and then he said that we could make it a 3 year project to film my transition and some stories with other trans people, and in the end it could get broadcasted on national TV. That just blew my mind…

I’m not sure if I’m ready to go this far. If I do this, I’m afraid that I’ll never fully pass as a girl because everyone will know that I used to be a boy. On the other hand, I could help a lot of people with this…

Ever wanted to scream so hard, your head would explode?

Sooo,,, here’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. I have started seeing severaldoctors in the past 3-4 months. Psychotherapist, sexologist and various psychologists. The first “therapist” nearly drove me to suicide (if weren’t for my kids…), she was very unprofessional and mean. My sexologist is pretty ok, although too much logic driven if you ask me (he’s like 30), right now he’s waiting on a confirmation from a psychologist. A confirmation of what they call a “Gender identity disorder” and that can take a will considering that all the doctors can see you roughly once in two months cause their so busy and no doctor here wants to confirm that in the firs 3 to 4 sit-downs. Once the diagnosis is made, my sexologist can start me on “Hormone replacement therapy” or HRT. The waiting is killing me. The doctors here are quite narrow-minded and everyone is trying to fit me into some stereotype. Like this first therapist who told me stuff like “Transgender MtFs have to like only masculine men and they have fear from trousers and all of them love pink (which I actually do like, the color and the singerJ)”. Or this other doctor who was trying to tell me that I can’t be a girl, cause I’ve got tattoos!!! I mean, come fucking on, seriously?!? The most recent doctor I went to is supposedly the top sexologist to go to with transgender issues here in Czech Republic. She told me that she will not help me with the transition because I have such young kids and that it’s in this regard a too big responsibility for her, low blow. I know that my kids are a priority and no one has to tell me that, and even through my transition they will always come first. Transgender people have a high suicide rate for reasons like not being able to transition for whatever reason (kids, family, work, doctors…). Doesn’t she know this if she’s an expert? Doesn’t she realize that I might do something stupid? Doesn’t she realize that with transition, my kids will have two parents, although a bit unusual dad, but still? (side note: I say dad cause whatever my gender, I want to be a father to my kids, always).

The pressure from my surroundings combined with my disphoria and gender issues are cracking down on me very hard. I’m trying all I can to keep sane. One of the things will be this blog, I have to get back to writing and let my fantasy roam a little. This week my mother found out that I had full make-up done by a make-up artist. At first she reacted badly, but straight afterwards she was totally fine with it. At least that’s what I’ve heard because my friend, which is also a friend of my mom, “spilled the secret by accident”. My now ex-partner also knows it and I’m really not happy about that. I don’t want to upset her or cause her any depression any further, but someone from my circle of friends is feeding her information about my activities. Have to find out who that is…

I’ve also tried to tell “S” that I can take maternity leave for half a year or a whole year, so that she can relax a bit and sort her mental state out. This was purely for the stated reason, to help her out and to see my sons more. It was seen as an attack against her, which was very painful for me. My intake of anti-anxiety pills has doubled over the past couple of weeks. I’m still not taking my antidepressants correctly cause they make me sleep too much. Instead I’ve been drinking out with friends. But that stops now… Have to take the pills as I’m supposed to and vent the negative stuff on something creative and not alcohol.

So yeah, dealing with all this stuff around makes everything a lot worse. Damn,,, I have to post something positive and creative next time. I’m such a whiny

Out…

quick FYI

Ok, just to clear up some details: All previouse posts were copied from my previous blog Cyborg Sanctuary that I´ve started on the date 08/02/2012. I´ve created this blog with the start of my MtF transition and also because wordpress is sooo much better then google blogs 🙂

Peace!

I know I fucked up…

What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.

My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!

Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…

I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…

The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…

The me I’m not supposed to be…

What do you do when you find out you’re transsexual?

Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn’t have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we’re six months pregnant with another boy… Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she’s pregnant? I just couldn’t handle it any more…

My depression got that much worse, because she can’t handle it now. She cries all day long and that’s the toughest part of “coming out” for me. I can’t even go to the bath room without    being ashamed and disgusted by “IT” being there.

My partner can’t handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn’t even sleep with her anymore because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I’m ashamed that my body is male.

I’m seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I’m watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she’ll be ok. So far I’ve told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she’s a women :), and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It’ll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it’s a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I’ve never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.

Now I can’t handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story…

Any comments or advice welcome…