Monthly Archives: July 2013
Ok, just to clear up some details: All previouse posts were copied from my previous blog Cyborg Sanctuary that I´ve started on the date 08/02/2012. I´ve created this blog with the start of my MtF transition and also because wordpress is sooo much better then google blogs 🙂
What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.
My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!
Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…
I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…
The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…
What do you do when you find out you’re transsexual?
Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn’t have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we’re six months pregnant with another boy… Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she’s pregnant? I just couldn’t handle it any more…
My depression got that much worse, because she can’t handle it now. She cries all day long and that’s the toughest part of “coming out” for me. I can’t even go to the bath room without being ashamed and disgusted by “IT” being there.
My partner can’t handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn’t even sleep with her anymore because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I’m ashamed that my body is male.
I’m seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I’m watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she’ll be ok. So far I’ve told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she’s a women :), and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It’ll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it’s a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I’ve never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.
Now I can’t handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story…
Any comments or advice welcome…
Hi you all!
Right, I have been under much emotional strain lately so I haven’t been writing much. Since my last post my second son was born, his name is Lukas. He’s healthy and as big as Adam was when he was born, so from that side of things, everything is ok.
This month I have Samppa coming over to do some bodymods so I’m super excited about that. He’s gonna be here with Aneta for three days (27.-30. of August) so we’ll even have time to go out for a drink together. That should be very interesting.
Anther thing that has come up (or should I rather say “come out”?) is that I finally told the world around me that I’m transgender (MtF) and omnisexual…
Which can be a huge problem as you might imagine. Having two kids and a partner that can not even imagine to be with a girl. I told her first, that was four months ago. And since than my mom, dad, sis and most of my friends. It’s been quite the roller-coaster ride indeed. I’m seeing a psychologist and a sexologist right now, waiting on my hormones.
Because of all this me and “S”(my partner) have split-up. I’m now living in a small but nice flat above our tattoo studio and I’m taking the kids every weekend.
That is making the whole situation a lot lot worse. I love her more then anyone else in the world and I wanted to stay with her but she’s just not able to do that. “S” has been treating me very badly now because she blames me for everything that I have done to her. I can’t blame her for being angry at everything, but I have not chosen to be trans… And I “came out” cause I could not take another day of this shit, being stuck in the wrong body, living someone else’s life. Now “S” thinks that I am hurting her deliberately and that I don’t want to be with her and with the kids.
I feel guilty enough as it is, but on top of that, “S” started seeing a psychotherapist because she’s having a very tough time coping with all this. Last week I told “S” that if she wants, I can take maternity leave and the kids can be with me for the next 6 months. That was to help her and to give her some alone time to cope with everything. But she took it as an attack, telling me that she doesn’t want me to have them, that she doesn’t want the kids to become sick and perverted and selfish like me. Well,,, enough of what “S” said…
Any time she calls my cell now, my anxiety kicks in. Right from the start my sexologist has prescribed me antidepressives and tranquilisers for the anxiety but I’m not properly taking the antidepressives. They make me sleep too long and too hard, but at least they let me fall asleep. And they also restore my appetite for food. Without them I can’t eat and can’t sleep…
Andy out… (for now)
Long tíme since I’ve been her,,, Great news!! Sampa Von Cyborg and his delightful wife Anete are going to visit our tattoo studio at Element Ink in Liberec Czech Republic. Now just to raise enough attention to get Sampa over here… I advertising this anywhere I can, so if you’re reading this beware! Sampa and Anete are doing a Europe tour in September this year 2013AD. If you’re interested, let me know. This is the price list:
SCARIFICATION starting price 200€ £200 26400yen
– average price is 350€ £350 46200yen
BRANDING starting price 150€ £150 19900yen
TONGUE SPLITTING 400€ with sutures £400 with sutures 39600yen with sutures
TRANSDERMAL IMPLANTS 250€ £250 33 000yen each
-if getting more than 3 per time, i will give discount. negotiable
REGULAR SUBDERMAL SILICONE IMPLANTS 350€- 400€, £350-£400, £46000yen-530000yen depends about size
BIG SKULL IMPLANT 500€ £500
SUBDERMAL SILICONE HORNS €500, £500, 79 000yen for first horns. 400€ £400 next ones
SILICONE DOMES 200€, £200, 26000yen starting price and 50€, £50, 6600yen per dome
GENITAL BEADING with silicone beads 80€ £80 10500yen
genital ribs AND bead strips start from 100€ £100 13200yen
magnetic implant( finger, clitoris, hand, forehead etc.) 200€ £200 26000yen
RFID implant 200€ £200
small finger and ear implants 200€ £200 26000yen
vibrating implant £3000, 3450€, 4750$, 396 000yen (coming soon)
all other silicone implants are custom work and starting price is 350€ £350 46000yen
lobe reconstruction 250€-350€ £250-£350 25300yen-35400yen per ear, depends about blowout etc.
lip reconstruction 250€ £250 25300yen
cheek reconstruction 200€ £200 26400yen per side( per hole)
– all other facial piercing scar fixing same price
blowout removal 100€ £100 13200yen per ear
creating a dimples 250€ £250 25300yen
labia removal 600€ £600 66000yen
transscrotal 500€ £500 66000yen plus jewelry
meatotomy 250€ £250 33000yen
subincision 900€ £900 79000yen
head splitting 250€ £250 33000yen
circumcision 900€ £900 86000yen
urethral re-route 2000€ £2000 265000yen
nipple removal 800€ £800 106000yen
navel removal 1000€ £1000 132000yen
implant removal starts from 50€ £50 7000yen
ear pointing ( my technique) 1500€ £1500 132000yen
ear reshaping (different shape holes on cartilage with sutures) starting from 250€ £250 33000yen average price is 300€ £300 39600yen
lobe scalpelling with sutures 250€ £250 25300yen (per lobe)
conch removal 300€ £300 (per ear)
lobe removal 250€ £250 (per lobe)
antitragus removal 350€ £350 (per ear)
otoplasty 500€ £500 per ear
microdermal and skin divers 60€ £60 7900yen each
madmax bars 120€ £120 15800yen
flesh stapling 100€ £100 13200yen
piercing with scalpel (big lobes, lip etc.) 150€ £150 19900yen plus plug
normal piercings same price than local studios
cyborg bars and other custom made jewellery with piercing starts from 120€ £120 15800yen
ASK PRICE FOR OTHER PROCEDURES OR CUSTOM WORKS!! AND NORMALLY I GIVE A DEAL PRICE FOR BIG PROCEDURES
Sweden can be a nice country. Unfortunetly it has lost most of it’s cultural and historycal heritage. No viking themed pub, no historical museum. Was it naive to think that there are going to be places like that? I don’t think so. Maybe it is because of the lack of tourism, because of the steep prices. I mean 10 bucks for a beer? Come on… Oh, and gues what. No mead! I know!!! There is nothing else then business in that country. True, I only saw one city, but Göteborg as a hub should be full of culture.
Now I’m glad that I’m back with my family. My boy is growing fast and he is well.
I’ve missed out on a lot from the grinding comunity as well. Also need to get back to tattooing asap.
I’m getting out of practice. At least I finaly managed to get my drivers licenc.
In other news,: Lepht hasn’t updated her blog for two months now. I’m thinking of giving her a call or at least a text. I can still see articles on the web saying she’s a reckless punk slicing her self open with a vegetable pealer sterilised with vodka and right after that they say that she’s the first one to bring biohacking to the peoples attention. “Whith all due respect” shit… I’m sick of those people. Anything they are afraid to try out, they precieve as a threat. Those bullshit comments about “a bunch of self harming kids on drugs” are doing my head in… Educate your self you fucking fuck! Well, what do I care for them. Education isn’t gonna help them anyway. I understand that Tim Cannon is trying to make Grindhouse wetware look more acceptable in the eyes of the public by separating them selfs from cyberpunk L. But this is not the way. I’d like to know what DirectorX thinks of this.
I’m starting to build up a transhumanist/grinder/biohacker comunity over here in CZ. It’s going slow, but I think it’ll work…
It’s been a long two weeks.
As he was standing on the rooftop of the shitty hotel he’s spend two weeks of his life in, smoking his cigarette and starring at the full moon his mind was as far away as his home. Thinking what those two weeks gave him. The job was messy, as if it was ever easy. Life was never easy and he did what he had to. “One day it’ll be all different” he mumbled quietly under his lip while exhaling the smoke. As he went to bed, the northern star was gone, nowhere to be seen. With the star on his mind he fell asleep.
The next morning he left the Göteborg. It was a long journey. In Czech Republic nothing has changed while he was gone, how could it? His son was growing though, as he held him in his tattooed arms and looked into the little boys eyes he saw himself. “I missed you little one”. A small grin emerged on the boys face, or was that just his imagination? I hope you’ll never have to do the things that I do, he thought to himself.
Two days after he came back, his phone was ringing. It was his “business” cell. He started to hate that cell long ago, how many more times will he have to pick it up?
“Yes,,, be there in five”. Of course it had to be another job…
He walks through the building without looking at anyone, they don’t like him here, he’s to different to fit in. The door doesn’t say anything, it doesn’t have to. Everyone knows that door and only a few enter it, he’s one of them. He hates that door as much as he hates that cell phone. He doesn’t knock as he enters. The office is large with pictures of business men in excessively expensive suits and ties, the place you’d imagine to have a sit down with cigars and expensive cognac in. The grin on his employers face behind the huge wooden desk wakes him up. “It’s good to see you again Ghost”…
Yeah right, he thinks to him self. “Skip the pleasantries. What is it this time?”
“Straight to business as always. When are you going to learn to relax?” He won’t comment on that. Just keep it cool for a bit longer. “All right then, have it your way. I need you back in Sweden.”
A picture of a bullet flying through the fat guys face is going through his mind. Keep it cool, such thoughts are exactly what landed you in this fucking situation anyway. Just keep ti cool a little longer. “When?” No grin on the fat mans face anymore. “Go home, get laid, get some sleep, do what you have to. You’re flying tomorrow, you’ll get the info about the job when you get there. The usual contact and usual payment.” He hated the fat man. That fucking grin on his face, the tone of his voice, everything about that little prick. But he had no choice and he did have some unfinished personal matters in that bright city. Not just that, something was drawing him towards it. Maybe it was the northern star that he hasn’t seen for only a few days. Maybe it was the city itself? What ever it was, deep down he wanted to go back there.
No more questions. As he was leaving, the grin on the fat mans face appeared again. Lucky for the fat man, Ghost didn’t look back. “Don’t fuck it up Ghost. You got only a few more left, remember?” Ghost didn’t look back…
He did what he had to as the fat man suggested, not heeding his advice though and left the next morning with the first flight. Planes never where something for him, not the commercial ones. He wasn’t afraid of a hi-jack or crash as did some. Just hated the fucking boredom, the clouds below him and the humming of a jet next to his head. Beats fourteen hours by car though, no argument there. Sitting on the plane, his mind was with the northern star. The many nights that he watched her. Glass of whiskey in his hand to beat the boredom, trying to fall asleep…
It looked like the fat man started to feel Ghost’s patients stretching thin. This time the hotel was something completely different. Good service, nice room and in a decent part of town too. Some things don’t change though. Non-smokers room and not enough place to stash his equipment in. He created some stash place him self then, chipped open a few of the wooden tiles on the floor to hide the most important gear.
Before he gets this job over with, there is one person to find though. A very special person…
To be continued… maybe…
The hotel looked like shit but he knew he’s seen worse.
His partner in crime had gone inside that thing to confirm arrival. It was only he and the dark of the night city. As he heard the seagull flying above him he remembered, remembered every detail of history that let him here, the good and the bad, he had realized there and then that another bloody journey has begun. The girl walking out of the hotel woke him up from his line of thought. Black and white skirt ending shortly above the knees, closely cut hair and where those high heels? He watched as she disappeared in the night and lit a cigarette, waiting for his partner.
Not knowing what to expect, he stepped into his room. He was not surprised of it, taking a closer look at the room his emotions have been changing as he looked further inside. From anger to amusement, what looked like a small cabinet for clothes was in reality a spare bed. The wardrobe with no shelf’s in it, which he fucking hated. The two badly placed and leveled paintings above the bed. He kept laughing to himself as a madman, looking at the shower with no barrier on the floor, so the water would be everywhere after using it. Something flipped that moment, for some reason, only understood by his own mind, he was comfortable. After taking a shower and stashing all his things, he went to bed. The strange eyes watching him as he was falling asleep.
The days have been hard to him mostly and the sleep was worth shit. It wasn’t the rooms fault though. Maybe it was his bad habits, or the long traveled distance. Whatever it was, now he can’t eat without having to force himself into it. Tired and hungry like a zombie, trying to stay socially active, because he has to. Is it stress? He should be happy, so why stress? Asking him self the same question over and over “Why do I feel like shit?!” All he wants to do now is to lay down into his bed and watch the star of the north, see the star one more time. Night after night…
The quiet night is getting to him and he can feel the cold grasp. Always thinking ahead has become a curse for him, for he did not think hard enough. Everything is quiet now. He’s alone in a strange land, clueless of what to do next…
To be continued…
Wow… Things are going rally well. My company even sent me to Sweden to supervise one of our projects for two weeks. Going by car to Götenborg tomorow morning, 14hrs 1414km. Never thought I’ll go to Sweden one day. I think I’m gonna visit Stockholm as well.
My son is healthy and ok, my wife is fantastic and supportive, I’m glad I have them….
When I get back from Sweden, I have an H+ project to start. Bare conductive ink tattooed on pig skin, if this works I’ll be able to power implants through tattoos, which of course would be awesome. Will post results and photos when I start.
Ok, enough for today, damn hangover…
Selective episodes, well not that selective at all… Why do I feel episodes of distortion? It can take up anything from one day to a month,,, sometimes I’m outgoing and helpful in general,,, and sometimes I keep to my self in a madness bordering way. Things just loosened up at work, new contract and all. And now I find myself trying to cope with everything else, I see a lot of things invading my personal space, agitated in general… Now I just want to be with my self and a bottle of bourbon, not having to interact with anyone, and there is nothing that helps other then then the things that I want. Feel like a complete fuck up sometimes…
Was thinking about L. today, she still didn’t updated her blog, worried about her. Thinking of seeing her if I actually go to my sisters wedding in Scotland, Kirkcaldy,,,
Also: can’t wait to get neodymium magnets, in for a group-buy on a bunch of them, can’t find anyone to implant them in my fingertips though. Will probably have to do it my self and that’s a bitch…
I’m trying to practise tattooing, but I’m finding it frustratingly impossible to find time for it in between my job and my son and cooking(yeah, that’s right, I cook, get over it) for the family. What the fuck am I gonna do when school starts? On the other hand, today I found that my nootropics stack is starting to really rub of on me, memory has improved a hell of a lot, social interaction and stress handling is also much easier. This month I might get some noopept in, can’t wait to try. I’m still determined to try poppy tea too. Will have to start working on transhumanist projects and spread it to the masses over here. Acceptance level of augmentation here so far is minimal…
mmm-kay… nuf’ from me today