I know I fucked up…

What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.

My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!

Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…

I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…

The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…

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Posted on July 31, 2013, in All in all, LGBTI, people don´t get it, Shit just happens, Transgender and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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