Hi you all!
Right, I have been under much emotional strain lately so I haven’t been writing much. Since my last post my second son was born, his name is Lukas. He’s healthy and as big as Adam was when he was born, so from that side of things, everything is ok.
This month I have Samppa coming over to do some bodymods so I’m super excited about that. He’s gonna be here with Aneta for three days (27.-30. of August) so we’ll even have time to go out for a drink together. That should be very interesting.
Anther thing that has come up (or should I rather say “come out”?) is that I finally told the world around me that I’m transgender (MtF) and omnisexual…
Which can be a huge problem as you might imagine. Having two kids and a partner that can not even imagine to be with a girl. I told her first, that was four months ago. And since than my mom, dad, sis and most of my friends. It’s been quite the roller-coaster ride indeed. I’m seeing a psychologist and a sexologist right now, waiting on my hormones.
Because of all this me and “S”(my partner) have split-up. I’m now living in a small but nice flat above our tattoo studio and I’m taking the kids every weekend.
That is making the whole situation a lot lot worse. I love her more then anyone else in the world and I wanted to stay with her but she’s just not able to do that. “S” has been treating me very badly now because she blames me for everything that I have done to her. I can’t blame her for being angry at everything, but I have not chosen to be trans… And I “came out” cause I could not take another day of this shit, being stuck in the wrong body, living someone else’s life. Now “S” thinks that I am hurting her deliberately and that I don’t want to be with her and with the kids.
I feel guilty enough as it is, but on top of that, “S” started seeing a psychotherapist because she’s having a very tough time coping with all this. Last week I told “S” that if she wants, I can take maternity leave and the kids can be with me for the next 6 months. That was to help her and to give her some alone time to cope with everything. But she took it as an attack, telling me that she doesn’t want me to have them, that she doesn’t want the kids to become sick and perverted and selfish like me. Well,,, enough of what “S” said…
Any time she calls my cell now, my anxiety kicks in. Right from the start my sexologist has prescribed me antidepressives and tranquilisers for the anxiety but I’m not properly taking the antidepressives. They make me sleep too long and too hard, but at least they let me fall asleep. And they also restore my appetite for food. Without them I can’t eat and can’t sleep…
Andy out… (for now)