Breaking news!

This just in:

Fuckin’ A! Had a sit down with my boss a minute ago, hope I’m not jinxin’ it but he said that he will re-new my contract!! I can’t even say how relieved I am right now, I’m trembling =)

He’ll give me a bit less money, cause of the cuts, but I get to keep my job which is Fuckin’ A. Take that, depression! This is really a load of my back…

In other news:

Now that I’m reading my previous posts, it might be that I’m writing a bit intuitively, please do excuse my writing, my physical ass was manufactured in Czech Republic where it also resides at this time. So if anything seems unclear, please don’t hesitate to comment…

Andy out…

touchy about the subject

Had a really dark mood today, don’t know what it was. For example: heard a song from Phil Collins “Another day in paradise”, remembered the clip I saw ages ago, guy can’t cope with things anymore and walks out into the street after an argument with his spouse, gets drugs, gets high, his girl finds him in a back ally next to a dumpster starts crying, he starts crying too, she hugs him and takes him back home to take care of him. Beautiful, really…

Had to switch the song off within 5 seconds. I hate my self for thinking like this, but, sometimes I have these thoughts. See the piston of a needle pull back, seeing a junkie scene in a movie or hearing a freakin’ song like that and after all those years I still think of going to the nearest dealer, jack up near OD and space out,,, fuck everything. That pisses me of about addiction, even if you have the will power to overcome it, it never really let’s go of you, never…

I used to be a methamphetamine addict, bad case. One of the things my country is famous for is Pervitin, a very potent form of meth. Had to run out of the country to shake the habit. Ran to Scotland-Kirkcaldy.

Very fucking hard times indeed…

Again, I’m going somewhere with this,,, about three hours ago I was wondering out loud about trying to make some poppy tea in the presence of my beloved spouse. Not a good idea,,, she doesn’t know me from when I was … gone(?) roaming funky land. so,,, she didn’t take well to it, thinking of the little one and me getting back to drugs. Do I even have to explain this? I’m somewhat touchy about that subject, when she thinks this,,, my head is thinking “how dare you..”(not having any experience with the subject and not realising how proud I am of shaking that fucking gorilla of my back). May be a bit harsh, as a reaction, I don’t say that out loud though,,, it simply pisses me of… am I over reacting? or do I deserve to be touchy about the subject???

post scriptum: status report: Energy levels dwindling, depression level rising, will update…

Heureka!

Ha! I actually managed to post to this blog out of my freakin’ work station! It´s quite heavy security policies make it damn near impossible! Magic!!!

Also, I finally got the balls togather and asked for a meeting with my boss, he still hasen’t told me a time though, looks kinda pissed too,,,

to be continued…

Better left untold

It’s harder then i thought, I guess nothing can really prepare you for this,,, not having time to sit back and leave everything in the physical domain. Always something to do, minute to minute, hour after hour till your head goes fucking mental at any tiny inconvenience. Such are the hardships of parenthood…

Now I’m glad I created this forum…

Let me tell you something I’ve learned over the years. Do not let people around you know a thing out of your head, keep it to yourself until you are a 100% sure, that they will accept who and what you are without the silver Mask of Society (acceptance and speech +20). If you’re at least a bit like me, people will never see what you really are about, not without long term inception anyway,,, You’ll hear how crazy you are, how unacceptable, unreal etc. Base rule: People are stupid,,, sad but true in general. People might show outright fear (I know!! unbelievable). Or cast you out of their “take serious list”…

Where I’m going with this,,, I don’t have any people in my area of effect to which I could talk about these things, ok, maybe one, but mostly that is not enough. Let them know what exactly you think about a sayed subject, how you felt about things regardless of public opinion. ok enough chit-chat for today, gotta go to work tomorrow morn,,, fuck…

Stay tuned for another episode of  “Tales from the “other” side”

Deadend

Ok, this is what srsly is doing my fucking head in. Right before my son was borne I get told that my job contract will not by renewed (six month contracts,3rd time renewal). I’ve done 150% for this company, the guy you can come to and ask for help, with anything. Need a paper or a mail translated? Four languages, bring it on, I’ll help. You got a lot of work? Give me some of your load(pun unintended), I’ll learn how to do this and help you out…etc…

Now HQ says we have to drop some people, I’m good at what I do, knowledgeable of company procedures in general, have the best English skills in the company (should mean a lot in a country where most of the companies are owned by foreign kings) and despite of all of that, they are trying to replace me?

Don’t know who is pulling the strings on this, everything in this company is like fucking knives and daggers. My contract finishes on the 31st of august and I can’t find a job (unemployed rate in this country- 10%), and because I have been a lazy-ass-junkie-teenager as I have mentioned previously, I still don’t have higher education, meaning that most employers will not give a job to me even though I have a long list of experience. And I’m NOT going back to being a barman for shity money, and no way in hell that I’ll go for a process worker job again. Last time that happened, not good, alcohol, back to drugs, depression, insomnia…hell no… but I have to provide for my family…shit…

Anyways, I’ve tried everything I could to hang on to this job, but from what I gather, the executive manager of the company has something against me. Is it the tattoos? Is it because I don‘t wear a business outfit? Fuck that,,,

When I see him (EM) though, he’s as polite as if all is fine (he even addresses me formally). Only two things I can do now: Confront him in his top-of-the-castle office, let him know what’s what and see if there is any heart or brain in his body, and keep sending CV’s to potential employers.

I’m training to be a tattoo artist, yes, the tattoo studio belongs to my mother (mom’s also my tutor), but,,,she’s on a whole different level and I have to get at least close to that level to start as a professional. Might take another year…

 A.

 

No more drinking

Hello folks. How many times do you drink too much and you say to yourself “I’ll never drink this much in one night again”? And here I am with another hangover. Aw well, better then a methamphetamine come-down…

Yesterday I met a lost cousin of mine, he grew up a lot, looks good, had a good chat. Today I finally get a few hours of playing Fallout New Vegas, used to play a lot of games, but now with my son and work and everything else I don’t have much time anymore. Playing is important for me, like watching good movies and reading good books. Don’t know if it’s escaping reality, don’t think so. I just love a good story, some action and to focus on something else.

I’m taking some nootropics now to increase cognitive functions. Been taking Piracetam 4,8g daily along with anti-oxidants, vitamins and minerals for two weeks now. Effects so far are mild, but it’s good progress.

If it goes well, I need to start training again, used to do muay-thai and parkour. I was very happy when I was training. It’s true what they say, with a healthy body comes a healthy mind…

Andy out…

The start of something…

Hi everyone, figured I might need some space to dump some of the shit I have swirling around in my head.

YOU are welcome to read my mind. I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now.

3 weeks ago, my son was born, am learning to be a tattoo artist(more to that later), starting school for a business degree, working as an administrative person.

It’s a lot to deal with. I hate my self for being a lazy-ass junkie teenager and not going for a higher qualification back then… just didn’t care about the system.

Now everything I didn’t bother with back then is coming back and fucking biting me in the ass, PEOPLE, DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!!! Don’t let shit pile up, do everything you need to, to be better, to have a quality life, to be happy in the long run.

I’ve created this blog to release some pressure, inspired by some people already doing this sort of thing, blogging I mean, I read their posts till today and feel with them.

 Stay tuned…