Ever wanted to scream so hard, your head would explode?

Sooo,,, here’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. I have started seeing severaldoctors in the past 3-4 months. Psychotherapist, sexologist and various psychologists. The first “therapist” nearly drove me to suicide (if weren’t for my kids…), she was very unprofessional and mean. My sexologist is pretty ok, although too much logic driven if you ask me (he’s like 30), right now he’s waiting on a confirmation from a psychologist. A confirmation of what they call a “Gender identity disorder” and that can take a will considering that all the doctors can see you roughly once in two months cause their so busy and no doctor here wants to confirm that in the firs 3 to 4 sit-downs. Once the diagnosis is made, my sexologist can start me on “Hormone replacement therapy” or HRT. The waiting is killing me. The doctors here are quite narrow-minded and everyone is trying to fit me into some stereotype. Like this first therapist who told me stuff like “Transgender MtFs have to like only masculine men and they have fear from trousers and all of them love pink (which I actually do like, the color and the singerJ)”. Or this other doctor who was trying to tell me that I can’t be a girl, cause I’ve got tattoos!!! I mean, come fucking on, seriously?!? The most recent doctor I went to is supposedly the top sexologist to go to with transgender issues here in Czech Republic. She told me that she will not help me with the transition because I have such young kids and that it’s in this regard a too big responsibility for her, low blow. I know that my kids are a priority and no one has to tell me that, and even through my transition they will always come first. Transgender people have a high suicide rate for reasons like not being able to transition for whatever reason (kids, family, work, doctors…). Doesn’t she know this if she’s an expert? Doesn’t she realize that I might do something stupid? Doesn’t she realize that with transition, my kids will have two parents, although a bit unusual dad, but still? (side note: I say dad cause whatever my gender, I want to be a father to my kids, always).

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The pressure from my surroundings combined with my disphoria and gender issues are cracking down on me very hard. I’m trying all I can to keep sane. One of the things will be this blog, I have to get back to writing and let my fantasy roam a little. This week my mother found out that I had full make-up done by a make-up artist. At first she reacted badly, but straight afterwards she was totally fine with it. At least that’s what I’ve heard because my friend, which is also a friend of my mom, “spilled the secret by accident”. My now ex-partner also knows it and I’m really not happy about that. I don’t want to upset her or cause her any depression any further, but someone from my circle of friends is feeding her information about my activities. Have to find out who that is…

I’ve also tried to tell “S” that I can take maternity leave for half a year or a whole year, so that she can relax a bit and sort her mental state out. This was purely for the stated reason, to help her out and to see my sons more. It was seen as an attack against her, which was very painful for me. My intake of anti-anxiety pills has doubled over the past couple of weeks. I’m still not taking my antidepressants correctly cause they make me sleep too much. Instead I’ve been drinking out with friends. But that stops now… Have to take the pills as I’m supposed to and vent the negative stuff on something creative and not alcohol.

So yeah, dealing with all this stuff around makes everything a lot worse. Damn,,, I have to post something positive and creative next time. I’m such a whiny

Out…

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Posted on August 5, 2013, in All in all, LGBTI, people don´t get it, Shit just happens, Transgender and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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