Everything I do…

imagescae6e86gSoo, the past few days have been eventful. Most recently, I have been on vacation, in the mountains away from civilization, away from people, from everything. Well, out of 11 people that were supposed to come, only 2 came, for various reasons. Way up there in the mountains, my best two friends and I enjoyed a great night together, had a great laugh. But the next day, the second person had to leave cause he didn´t get days off, so my best friend left with him to get supplies and to find his dog, which ran away from him on his way up the mountain (long story). My best friend didn´t come back, all his stuff was there, I started to get really worried. I spent 24 hours up there alone, worrying about my friend, scared that something might have happened to him on the way back up (he´s crazy enough to try it through the woods up the mountain at night without no light). Also, I was scared as hell cause of all the noises in the forest, with friends it´s magical, without them however, it´s scary as hell… During the 24 hours of solitude, my depression kicked in hard, I can not describe all the thoughts that went through my head at the time. Maybe the hardest things were that for one, I felt like I´m completely alone in the world. And secondly, I could not stop thinking about “S” and how much I miss my children. I haven’t seen them for two weeks! And I´m too scared too even send a message to “S” to ask how my boys are doing, cause I´m too afraid that she will again start to write stuff like “Just kill yourself already, my children are better off without a monster like you” and other even more hurtful things. Hopefully I’ll see the boys this weekend. Thing is, even though “S” is trying to make my life as uncomfortable as possible right now, in those 24 hours of solitude, I couldn´t stop thinking about her. That same very place in the mountains is the place we first made love. It got to me,,, I miss her very much in my life, I still love her… So I spent my time alone up there remembering everything I love about her…

Lately, no matter what I try to make myself feel better, nothing works. I feel like I´m losing the fight. It´s like a set of scales, one end holds the promise of a better life, my children, my family, my friends. And the other end is pushed down by my incompetence to live a normal life, the depression, anxiety, suicide, my body. Today my mom talked to me about some issues: “S”, my gender identity, my kids, and money (she´s been greatly supporting me moneywise cause I´m such a fuckup), and I stood there listening and all I could think about is “Run upstairs, run away, open up your arteries and let´s be done with it”… The suicidal thoughts are coming everyday now… But enough of that for today.Blopdy-Love-Tragedy-Wallpaper

In other news, Sherry, a genderqueer friend that has been on Prague Pride with me, has been great support and I thank the gods, that there are people like her in this world. Next, I thank you, readers, for your support, every comment and follow is giving me strength and letting me know that this blog is not a piece of junk. And lastly, I´m really sorry that my recent posts are just so depressing and venting. It´s just that, when I try anything creative lately, my mind wonders off,,, back to me being what I am and I destroy the piece, take my pills and go to sleep. I´ll do my best to put some creative stuff, some lighter stuff  on here though. I promise…

Stay tuned, love to you all and good night ^_^

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Posted on August 27, 2013, in All in all, fucked up, Shit just happens, Transgender and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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