Category Archives: fucked up

Up and down and up and Down…

84c9e62463e1a5d6cc1e644b7adb05e2Hey everyone! The company night out has gone down. It was overwhelming! My colleagues took it really well. Just on guy doesn’t know cause he went to sleep too early… I’m leaving him out of the look for now, it was stressful enough telling so many people in such a small time window so I’m not too keen on telling him now. I’ll wait till the opportunity is right. The guy I was totally worried about was to my huge surprise very supporting and rally cool with it. They still don’t get what being transgender is about, so now some of their questions or remarks can be quite uncomfortable. But since I told them, I feel much more at ease when I’m at work. So things are looking up from that end.

On the other hand I feel terrible cause my mom still refuses to believe that I’m TG. There’s more thing I can’t write about just yet. Added to that, “S” has decided to sort stuff between us through the court. I just received a letter calling us to the Judge and next week, some women from the court will take a look at my apartment to decide In whose custody the kids are going to be. She did it cause of money, although I’m giving her all I can, barely have enough for myself, she still wants more… I know it’s hard for her, but I’m also struggling, hard, and she doesn’t see that at all.

Lately the shit seems to be piling up, there is so much to handle and deal with. Too much of it. I just wish I could be me and live in peace.

Fucking hell,,, I can’t believe I’m going to court. This is so humiliating. I’ll be standing there and everyone will say: That guy says he’s a trany just to leave his family. God I hate myself for being this way right now…

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Everything I do…

imagescae6e86gSoo, the past few days have been eventful. Most recently, I have been on vacation, in the mountains away from civilization, away from people, from everything. Well, out of 11 people that were supposed to come, only 2 came, for various reasons. Way up there in the mountains, my best two friends and I enjoyed a great night together, had a great laugh. But the next day, the second person had to leave cause he didn´t get days off, so my best friend left with him to get supplies and to find his dog, which ran away from him on his way up the mountain (long story). My best friend didn´t come back, all his stuff was there, I started to get really worried. I spent 24 hours up there alone, worrying about my friend, scared that something might have happened to him on the way back up (he´s crazy enough to try it through the woods up the mountain at night without no light). Also, I was scared as hell cause of all the noises in the forest, with friends it´s magical, without them however, it´s scary as hell… During the 24 hours of solitude, my depression kicked in hard, I can not describe all the thoughts that went through my head at the time. Maybe the hardest things were that for one, I felt like I´m completely alone in the world. And secondly, I could not stop thinking about “S” and how much I miss my children. I haven’t seen them for two weeks! And I´m too scared too even send a message to “S” to ask how my boys are doing, cause I´m too afraid that she will again start to write stuff like “Just kill yourself already, my children are better off without a monster like you” and other even more hurtful things. Hopefully I’ll see the boys this weekend. Thing is, even though “S” is trying to make my life as uncomfortable as possible right now, in those 24 hours of solitude, I couldn´t stop thinking about her. That same very place in the mountains is the place we first made love. It got to me,,, I miss her very much in my life, I still love her… So I spent my time alone up there remembering everything I love about her…

Lately, no matter what I try to make myself feel better, nothing works. I feel like I´m losing the fight. It´s like a set of scales, one end holds the promise of a better life, my children, my family, my friends. And the other end is pushed down by my incompetence to live a normal life, the depression, anxiety, suicide, my body. Today my mom talked to me about some issues: “S”, my gender identity, my kids, and money (she´s been greatly supporting me moneywise cause I´m such a fuckup), and I stood there listening and all I could think about is “Run upstairs, run away, open up your arteries and let´s be done with it”… The suicidal thoughts are coming everyday now… But enough of that for today.Blopdy-Love-Tragedy-Wallpaper

In other news, Sherry, a genderqueer friend that has been on Prague Pride with me, has been great support and I thank the gods, that there are people like her in this world. Next, I thank you, readers, for your support, every comment and follow is giving me strength and letting me know that this blog is not a piece of junk. And lastly, I´m really sorry that my recent posts are just so depressing and venting. It´s just that, when I try anything creative lately, my mind wonders off,,, back to me being what I am and I destroy the piece, take my pills and go to sleep. I´ll do my best to put some creative stuff, some lighter stuff  on here though. I promise…

Stay tuned, love to you all and good night ^_^

Thoughts on Prague Pride and being transgender…

So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.

464959_1363356037266_500_362From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.

When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.

Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning:  “Take the scalpel and make the pain and

sad-anime-girl-crying-in-background

blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…

I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…

The me I’m not supposed to be…

What do you do when you find out you’re transsexual?

Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn’t have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we’re six months pregnant with another boy… Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she’s pregnant? I just couldn’t handle it any more…

My depression got that much worse, because she can’t handle it now. She cries all day long and that’s the toughest part of “coming out” for me. I can’t even go to the bath room without    being ashamed and disgusted by “IT” being there.

My partner can’t handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn’t even sleep with her anymore because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I’m ashamed that my body is male.

I’m seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I’m watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she’ll be ok. So far I’ve told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she’s a women :), and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It’ll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it’s a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I’ve never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.

Now I can’t handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story…

Any comments or advice welcome…

another episode

Selective episodes, well not that selective at all… Why do I feel episodes of distortion? It can take up anything from one day to a month,,, sometimes I’m outgoing and helpful in general,,, and sometimes I keep to my self in a madness bordering way. Things just loosened up at work, new contract and all. And now I find myself trying to cope with everything else, I see a lot of things invading my personal space, agitated in general… Now I just want to be with my self and a bottle of bourbon, not having to interact with anyone, and there is nothing that helps other then then the things that I want. Feel like a complete fuck up sometimes…

 Was thinking about L. today, she still didn’t updated her blog, worried about her. Thinking of seeing her if I actually go to my sisters wedding in Scotland, Kirkcaldy,,,

 Also: can’t wait to get neodymium magnets, in for a group-buy on a bunch of them, can’t find anyone to implant them in my fingertips though. Will probably have to do it my self and that’s a bitch…

I’m trying to practise tattooing, but I’m finding it frustratingly impossible to find time for it in between my job and my son and cooking(yeah, that’s right, I cook, get over it) for the family. What the fuck am I gonna do when school starts? On the other hand, today I found that my nootropics stack is starting to really rub of on me, memory has improved a hell of a lot, social interaction and stress handling is also much easier. This month I might get some noopept in, can’t wait to try. I’m still determined to try poppy tea too. Will have to start working on transhumanist projects and spread it to the masses over here. Acceptance level of augmentation here so far is minimal…

 mmm-kay… nuf’ from me today

 

Deadend

Ok, this is what srsly is doing my fucking head in. Right before my son was borne I get told that my job contract will not by renewed (six month contracts,3rd time renewal). I’ve done 150% for this company, the guy you can come to and ask for help, with anything. Need a paper or a mail translated? Four languages, bring it on, I’ll help. You got a lot of work? Give me some of your load(pun unintended), I’ll learn how to do this and help you out…etc…

Now HQ says we have to drop some people, I’m good at what I do, knowledgeable of company procedures in general, have the best English skills in the company (should mean a lot in a country where most of the companies are owned by foreign kings) and despite of all of that, they are trying to replace me?

Don’t know who is pulling the strings on this, everything in this company is like fucking knives and daggers. My contract finishes on the 31st of august and I can’t find a job (unemployed rate in this country- 10%), and because I have been a lazy-ass-junkie-teenager as I have mentioned previously, I still don’t have higher education, meaning that most employers will not give a job to me even though I have a long list of experience. And I’m NOT going back to being a barman for shity money, and no way in hell that I’ll go for a process worker job again. Last time that happened, not good, alcohol, back to drugs, depression, insomnia…hell no… but I have to provide for my family…shit…

Anyways, I’ve tried everything I could to hang on to this job, but from what I gather, the executive manager of the company has something against me. Is it the tattoos? Is it because I don‘t wear a business outfit? Fuck that,,,

When I see him (EM) though, he’s as polite as if all is fine (he even addresses me formally). Only two things I can do now: Confront him in his top-of-the-castle office, let him know what’s what and see if there is any heart or brain in his body, and keep sending CV’s to potential employers.

I’m training to be a tattoo artist, yes, the tattoo studio belongs to my mother (mom’s also my tutor), but,,,she’s on a whole different level and I have to get at least close to that level to start as a professional. Might take another year…

 A.

 

The start of something…

Hi everyone, figured I might need some space to dump some of the shit I have swirling around in my head.

YOU are welcome to read my mind. I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now.

3 weeks ago, my son was born, am learning to be a tattoo artist(more to that later), starting school for a business degree, working as an administrative person.

It’s a lot to deal with. I hate my self for being a lazy-ass junkie teenager and not going for a higher qualification back then… just didn’t care about the system.

Now everything I didn’t bother with back then is coming back and fucking biting me in the ass, PEOPLE, DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!!! Don’t let shit pile up, do everything you need to, to be better, to have a quality life, to be happy in the long run.

I’ve created this blog to release some pressure, inspired by some people already doing this sort of thing, blogging I mean, I read their posts till today and feel with them.

 Stay tuned…

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