Category Archives: people don´t get it

Up and down and up and Down…

84c9e62463e1a5d6cc1e644b7adb05e2Hey everyone! The company night out has gone down. It was overwhelming! My colleagues took it really well. Just on guy doesn’t know cause he went to sleep too early… I’m leaving him out of the look for now, it was stressful enough telling so many people in such a small time window so I’m not too keen on telling him now. I’ll wait till the opportunity is right. The guy I was totally worried about was to my huge surprise very supporting and rally cool with it. They still don’t get what being transgender is about, so now some of their questions or remarks can be quite uncomfortable. But since I told them, I feel much more at ease when I’m at work. So things are looking up from that end.

On the other hand I feel terrible cause my mom still refuses to believe that I’m TG. There’s more thing I can’t write about just yet. Added to that, “S” has decided to sort stuff between us through the court. I just received a letter calling us to the Judge and next week, some women from the court will take a look at my apartment to decide In whose custody the kids are going to be. She did it cause of money, although I’m giving her all I can, barely have enough for myself, she still wants more… I know it’s hard for her, but I’m also struggling, hard, and she doesn’t see that at all.

Lately the shit seems to be piling up, there is so much to handle and deal with. Too much of it. I just wish I could be me and live in peace.

Fucking hell,,, I can’t believe I’m going to court. This is so humiliating. I’ll be standing there and everyone will say: That guy says he’s a trany just to leave his family. God I hate myself for being this way right now…

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Thoughts on Prague Pride and being transgender…

So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.

464959_1363356037266_500_362From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.

When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.

Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning:  “Take the scalpel and make the pain and

sad-anime-girl-crying-in-background

blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…

I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…

Ever wanted to scream so hard, your head would explode?

Sooo,,, here’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. I have started seeing severaldoctors in the past 3-4 months. Psychotherapist, sexologist and various psychologists. The first “therapist” nearly drove me to suicide (if weren’t for my kids…), she was very unprofessional and mean. My sexologist is pretty ok, although too much logic driven if you ask me (he’s like 30), right now he’s waiting on a confirmation from a psychologist. A confirmation of what they call a “Gender identity disorder” and that can take a will considering that all the doctors can see you roughly once in two months cause their so busy and no doctor here wants to confirm that in the firs 3 to 4 sit-downs. Once the diagnosis is made, my sexologist can start me on “Hormone replacement therapy” or HRT. The waiting is killing me. The doctors here are quite narrow-minded and everyone is trying to fit me into some stereotype. Like this first therapist who told me stuff like “Transgender MtFs have to like only masculine men and they have fear from trousers and all of them love pink (which I actually do like, the color and the singerJ)”. Or this other doctor who was trying to tell me that I can’t be a girl, cause I’ve got tattoos!!! I mean, come fucking on, seriously?!? The most recent doctor I went to is supposedly the top sexologist to go to with transgender issues here in Czech Republic. She told me that she will not help me with the transition because I have such young kids and that it’s in this regard a too big responsibility for her, low blow. I know that my kids are a priority and no one has to tell me that, and even through my transition they will always come first. Transgender people have a high suicide rate for reasons like not being able to transition for whatever reason (kids, family, work, doctors…). Doesn’t she know this if she’s an expert? Doesn’t she realize that I might do something stupid? Doesn’t she realize that with transition, my kids will have two parents, although a bit unusual dad, but still? (side note: I say dad cause whatever my gender, I want to be a father to my kids, always).

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The pressure from my surroundings combined with my disphoria and gender issues are cracking down on me very hard. I’m trying all I can to keep sane. One of the things will be this blog, I have to get back to writing and let my fantasy roam a little. This week my mother found out that I had full make-up done by a make-up artist. At first she reacted badly, but straight afterwards she was totally fine with it. At least that’s what I’ve heard because my friend, which is also a friend of my mom, “spilled the secret by accident”. My now ex-partner also knows it and I’m really not happy about that. I don’t want to upset her or cause her any depression any further, but someone from my circle of friends is feeding her information about my activities. Have to find out who that is…

I’ve also tried to tell “S” that I can take maternity leave for half a year or a whole year, so that she can relax a bit and sort her mental state out. This was purely for the stated reason, to help her out and to see my sons more. It was seen as an attack against her, which was very painful for me. My intake of anti-anxiety pills has doubled over the past couple of weeks. I’m still not taking my antidepressants correctly cause they make me sleep too much. Instead I’ve been drinking out with friends. But that stops now… Have to take the pills as I’m supposed to and vent the negative stuff on something creative and not alcohol.

So yeah, dealing with all this stuff around makes everything a lot worse. Damn,,, I have to post something positive and creative next time. I’m such a whiny

Out…

I know I fucked up…

What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.

My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!

Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…

I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…

The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…

The me I’m not supposed to be…

What do you do when you find out you’re transsexual?

Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn’t have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we’re six months pregnant with another boy… Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she’s pregnant? I just couldn’t handle it any more…

My depression got that much worse, because she can’t handle it now. She cries all day long and that’s the toughest part of “coming out” for me. I can’t even go to the bath room without    being ashamed and disgusted by “IT” being there.

My partner can’t handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn’t even sleep with her anymore because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I’m ashamed that my body is male.

I’m seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I’m watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she’ll be ok. So far I’ve told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she’s a women :), and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It’ll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it’s a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I’ve never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.

Now I can’t handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story…

Any comments or advice welcome…

Heads-up

Sweden can be a nice country. Unfortunetly it has lost most of it’s cultural and historycal heritage. No viking themed pub, no historical museum. Was it naive to think that there are going to be places like that? I don’t think so. Maybe it is because of the lack of tourism, because of the steep prices. I mean 10 bucks for a beer? Come on…  Oh, and gues what. No mead! I know!!! There is nothing else then business in that country. True, I only saw one city, but Göteborg as a hub should be full of culture.

Now I’m glad that I’m back with my family. My boy is growing fast and he is well.

I’ve missed out on a lot from the grinding comunity as well. Also need to get back to tattooing asap.

I’m getting out of practice. At least I finaly managed to get my drivers licenc.

In other news,: Lepht hasn’t updated her blog for two months now. I’m thinking of giving her a call or at least a text. I can still see articles on the web saying she’s a reckless punk slicing her self open with a vegetable pealer sterilised with vodka and right after that they say that she’s the first one to bring biohacking to the peoples attention. “Whith all due respect” shit… I’m sick of those people. Anything they are afraid to try out, they precieve as a threat. Those bullshit comments about “a bunch of self harming kids on drugs” are doing my head in… Educate your self you fucking fuck! Well, what do I care for them. Education isn’t gonna help them anyway. I understand that Tim Cannon is trying to make Grindhouse wetware look more acceptable in the eyes of the public by separating them selfs from cyberpunk L. But this is not the way. I’d like to know what DirectorX thinks of this.

 I’m starting to build up a transhumanist/grinder/biohacker comunity over here in CZ. It’s going slow, but I think it’ll work…

touchy about the subject

Had a really dark mood today, don’t know what it was. For example: heard a song from Phil Collins “Another day in paradise”, remembered the clip I saw ages ago, guy can’t cope with things anymore and walks out into the street after an argument with his spouse, gets drugs, gets high, his girl finds him in a back ally next to a dumpster starts crying, he starts crying too, she hugs him and takes him back home to take care of him. Beautiful, really…

Had to switch the song off within 5 seconds. I hate my self for thinking like this, but, sometimes I have these thoughts. See the piston of a needle pull back, seeing a junkie scene in a movie or hearing a freakin’ song like that and after all those years I still think of going to the nearest dealer, jack up near OD and space out,,, fuck everything. That pisses me of about addiction, even if you have the will power to overcome it, it never really let’s go of you, never…

I used to be a methamphetamine addict, bad case. One of the things my country is famous for is Pervitin, a very potent form of meth. Had to run out of the country to shake the habit. Ran to Scotland-Kirkcaldy.

Very fucking hard times indeed…

Again, I’m going somewhere with this,,, about three hours ago I was wondering out loud about trying to make some poppy tea in the presence of my beloved spouse. Not a good idea,,, she doesn’t know me from when I was … gone(?) roaming funky land. so,,, she didn’t take well to it, thinking of the little one and me getting back to drugs. Do I even have to explain this? I’m somewhat touchy about that subject, when she thinks this,,, my head is thinking “how dare you..”(not having any experience with the subject and not realising how proud I am of shaking that fucking gorilla of my back). May be a bit harsh, as a reaction, I don’t say that out loud though,,, it simply pisses me of… am I over reacting? or do I deserve to be touchy about the subject???

post scriptum: status report: Energy levels dwindling, depression level rising, will update…

Better left untold

It’s harder then i thought, I guess nothing can really prepare you for this,,, not having time to sit back and leave everything in the physical domain. Always something to do, minute to minute, hour after hour till your head goes fucking mental at any tiny inconvenience. Such are the hardships of parenthood…

Now I’m glad I created this forum…

Let me tell you something I’ve learned over the years. Do not let people around you know a thing out of your head, keep it to yourself until you are a 100% sure, that they will accept who and what you are without the silver Mask of Society (acceptance and speech +20). If you’re at least a bit like me, people will never see what you really are about, not without long term inception anyway,,, You’ll hear how crazy you are, how unacceptable, unreal etc. Base rule: People are stupid,,, sad but true in general. People might show outright fear (I know!! unbelievable). Or cast you out of their “take serious list”…

Where I’m going with this,,, I don’t have any people in my area of effect to which I could talk about these things, ok, maybe one, but mostly that is not enough. Let them know what exactly you think about a sayed subject, how you felt about things regardless of public opinion. ok enough chit-chat for today, gotta go to work tomorrow morn,,, fuck…

Stay tuned for another episode of  “Tales from the “other” side”

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