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Breakthrough

I haven’t been writing anything lately, sorry. Past two months have been… eventful…

1cfcac6e8fa73da2a91b67b371dc126a“S” has had a change of mind, saying she doesn’t want to fight any more, that she’s tired of it, that the kids should have a at least “partially functioning” family. Since then we have been going out here and then. Cinema, pub, botanic garden, restaurant, spending some time together. It has been great to be with her, but it’s very painful for me to even write about it. I miss her so much. Seeing again how she thinks of the same things as me when watching a movie together, how we “get” our jokes, moods and all… How beautiful she is, I could go on and on… The feeling of guilt is eating its way through my heart at every moment I think of her. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do, career wise, as a single mother of two, with no man at her side. I want to be with her, be there for her. I spoke of this with her. But she can not imagine to be with me at all, she still sees me as neither man nor woman, still sees me as a monster(her own words). What I will do is: 1) Keep going out with her (I love her = have to see her no matter the pain) 2) Hope she finds a man she can give her heart to (very jealous but her happiness and security is higher priority) 3) Not go mad cause of my pain and think of my family before doing anything “stupid”

The biggest event for these past two months is that, Dr. Weiss (which is the num.1 in transgender issues in CZ) whom I’ve  seen two months ago, has sent a psychological diagnosis to my psychologist. The diagnosis reads: Gender identity test according to FDT test – female; Transgender – male-to-female…This has been such an emotional break for me.

 

For the past 4-5 months I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t know if I’m really a girl or just crazy or if I have any dangerous disorder or anything… This has lifted all of that. I took the report to my mom. She said: So, you’ve really brought it to me black on white… I think she didn’t have  words to say. She asked what I was talking about with my shrink, I had no problem in telling her. Before I went from the tattoo studio upstairs to my place, she gave me a hug full of promise of support…When I came upstairs I burst into tears. Thinking of hardships of the past 6 months, the relive that came was overwhelming. I cried like a little girl 🙂 What has changed: 1) I know that I’m not crazy, dysfunctional, sociopathic or otherwise “ill” ^_^ 2) I’m much more comfortable using female pronouns 3) A tiny bit more comfortable in crowds of people… My dad doesn’t know yet. My sister might know it, if not, she’ll find out from this post. Yesterday I got a haircut from the hair dresser that provides services for our studio. It looks something like this—————–>Image

It makes me even more comfortable cause I really like it, like a lot ^_^ Also I’m realising that although I have a really manly face, I CAN change. I did my eye brows in a androgynous style and my hair is more feminine by the day, and it does  make a difference. Still hate the rest of my face though… What I need next is getting rid of facial hair, by laser or by electrocution.Can’t imagine how much the plastic surgeries for facial feminisation are going to cost… Or better said, Can imagine how much it’s gonna cost, just can’t imagine how I’m gonna get the money together…

At  work it’s starting to get more exciting every day. My boss Eva knows that I’m TG. So now we’re both giving out hints buried in conversation. When/if they find out or start asking, don’t know what I’m gonna say,,, the truth of course. But that will jeopardies my job, among other things…Some of them are going to be fine I think (the women), BUT, the others (80-90% of the men) have a high predisposition to behave like cavemen and be,,,like,,,men, I guess ?_? Because of them, I haven’t “come out” at work fully yet.  A party is coming up tomorrow. Just our dept. of logistics. I’m really looking forward to it cause I’m very lucky to have collogues like this. They are all interesting and unique in their ways… I don’t think it’s gonna be a good place to come out to them all. The breaking point for me is a great collogue that is very family driven, and I think he might be very critical to downright aggressive. And because I like him a lot, I don’t want to get into a fight with him. I hate hurting people I like… What I’ll do: 1) I’ll Consolidate my boss on the idea of coming out to them 2) I’ll put some heavy fucking thought into telling them!!! 3) Tell one of them (she’s called Maki, like the sushi, she’s a great gal :)) first at the party and hope for the best. I think she will be a quite accepting and valuable ally in the upcoming debate (you know, when I drop the TG bomb),,. nuf said 4) Collaborate a contingency plan; in case shit does hit the fan.

So,,, the journey has begun. I strongly hope that I’ll get HRT asap. But I’ll find that out in two weeks time. Also, My great friend Sam has decided to make the first step and made an appointment with the best Psycho Therapist and sexologist for TG people in CZ. I’m really happy for him 🙂

Thanks for your attention and time ^_^

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Update

Hi you all!

Right, I have been under much emotional strain lately so I haven’t been writing much. Since my last post my second son was born, his name is Lukas. He’s healthy and as big as Adam was when he was born, so from that side of things, everything is ok.

This month I have Samppa coming over to do some bodymods so I’m super excited about that. He’s gonna be here with Aneta for three days (27.-30. of August) so we’ll even have time to go out for a drink together. That should be very interesting.

Anther thing that has come up (or should I rather say “come out”?) is that I finally told the world around me that I’m transgender (MtF) and omnisexual…

Which can be a huge problem as you might imagine. Having two kids and a partner that can not even imagine to be with a girl. I told her first, that was four months ago. And since than my mom, dad, sis and most of my friends. It’s been quite the roller-coaster ride indeed. I’m seeing a psychologist and a sexologist right now, waiting on my hormones.

Because of all this me and “S”(my partner) have split-up. I’m now living in a small but nice flat above our tattoo studio and I’m taking the kids every weekend.

That is making the whole situation a lot lot worse. I love her more then anyone else in the world and I wanted to stay with her but she’s just not able to do that. “S” has been treating me very badly now because she blames me for everything that I have done to her. I can’t blame her for being angry at everything, but I have not chosen to be trans… And I “came out” cause I could not take another day of this shit, being stuck in the wrong body, living someone else’s life. Now “S” thinks that I am hurting her deliberately and that I don’t want to be with her and with the kids.

I feel guilty enough as it is, but on top of that, “S” started seeing a psychotherapist because she’s having a very tough time coping with all this. Last week I told “S” that if she wants, I can take maternity leave and the kids can be with me for the next 6 months. That was to help her and to give her some alone time to cope with everything. But she took it as an attack, telling me that she doesn’t want me to have them, that she doesn’t want the kids to become sick and perverted and selfish like me. Well,,, enough of what “S” said…

Any time she calls my cell now, my anxiety kicks in. Right from the start my sexologist has prescribed me antidepressives and tranquilisers for the anxiety but I’m not properly taking the antidepressives. They make me sleep too long and too hard, but at least they let me fall asleep. And they also restore my appetite for food. Without them I can’t eat and can’t sleep…

Andy out… (for now)

 

Heads-up

Sweden can be a nice country. Unfortunetly it has lost most of it’s cultural and historycal heritage. No viking themed pub, no historical museum. Was it naive to think that there are going to be places like that? I don’t think so. Maybe it is because of the lack of tourism, because of the steep prices. I mean 10 bucks for a beer? Come on…  Oh, and gues what. No mead! I know!!! There is nothing else then business in that country. True, I only saw one city, but Göteborg as a hub should be full of culture.

Now I’m glad that I’m back with my family. My boy is growing fast and he is well.

I’ve missed out on a lot from the grinding comunity as well. Also need to get back to tattooing asap.

I’m getting out of practice. At least I finaly managed to get my drivers licenc.

In other news,: Lepht hasn’t updated her blog for two months now. I’m thinking of giving her a call or at least a text. I can still see articles on the web saying she’s a reckless punk slicing her self open with a vegetable pealer sterilised with vodka and right after that they say that she’s the first one to bring biohacking to the peoples attention. “Whith all due respect” shit… I’m sick of those people. Anything they are afraid to try out, they precieve as a threat. Those bullshit comments about “a bunch of self harming kids on drugs” are doing my head in… Educate your self you fucking fuck! Well, what do I care for them. Education isn’t gonna help them anyway. I understand that Tim Cannon is trying to make Grindhouse wetware look more acceptable in the eyes of the public by separating them selfs from cyberpunk L. But this is not the way. I’d like to know what DirectorX thinks of this.

 I’m starting to build up a transhumanist/grinder/biohacker comunity over here in CZ. It’s going slow, but I think it’ll work…

Sweden

Wow… Things are going rally well. My company even sent me to Sweden to supervise one of our projects for two weeks. Going by car to Götenborg tomorow morning, 14hrs 1414km. Never thought I’ll go to Sweden one day. I think I’m gonna visit Stockholm as well.

My son is healthy and ok, my wife is fantastic and supportive, I’m glad I have them….

When I get back from Sweden, I have an H+ project to start. Bare conductive ink tattooed on pig skin, if this works I’ll be able to power implants through tattoos, which of course would be awesome. Will post results and photos when I start.

Ok, enough for today, damn hangover…

another episode

Selective episodes, well not that selective at all… Why do I feel episodes of distortion? It can take up anything from one day to a month,,, sometimes I’m outgoing and helpful in general,,, and sometimes I keep to my self in a madness bordering way. Things just loosened up at work, new contract and all. And now I find myself trying to cope with everything else, I see a lot of things invading my personal space, agitated in general… Now I just want to be with my self and a bottle of bourbon, not having to interact with anyone, and there is nothing that helps other then then the things that I want. Feel like a complete fuck up sometimes…

 Was thinking about L. today, she still didn’t updated her blog, worried about her. Thinking of seeing her if I actually go to my sisters wedding in Scotland, Kirkcaldy,,,

 Also: can’t wait to get neodymium magnets, in for a group-buy on a bunch of them, can’t find anyone to implant them in my fingertips though. Will probably have to do it my self and that’s a bitch…

I’m trying to practise tattooing, but I’m finding it frustratingly impossible to find time for it in between my job and my son and cooking(yeah, that’s right, I cook, get over it) for the family. What the fuck am I gonna do when school starts? On the other hand, today I found that my nootropics stack is starting to really rub of on me, memory has improved a hell of a lot, social interaction and stress handling is also much easier. This month I might get some noopept in, can’t wait to try. I’m still determined to try poppy tea too. Will have to start working on transhumanist projects and spread it to the masses over here. Acceptance level of augmentation here so far is minimal…

 mmm-kay… nuf’ from me today

 

Better left untold

It’s harder then i thought, I guess nothing can really prepare you for this,,, not having time to sit back and leave everything in the physical domain. Always something to do, minute to minute, hour after hour till your head goes fucking mental at any tiny inconvenience. Such are the hardships of parenthood…

Now I’m glad I created this forum…

Let me tell you something I’ve learned over the years. Do not let people around you know a thing out of your head, keep it to yourself until you are a 100% sure, that they will accept who and what you are without the silver Mask of Society (acceptance and speech +20). If you’re at least a bit like me, people will never see what you really are about, not without long term inception anyway,,, You’ll hear how crazy you are, how unacceptable, unreal etc. Base rule: People are stupid,,, sad but true in general. People might show outright fear (I know!! unbelievable). Or cast you out of their “take serious list”…

Where I’m going with this,,, I don’t have any people in my area of effect to which I could talk about these things, ok, maybe one, but mostly that is not enough. Let them know what exactly you think about a sayed subject, how you felt about things regardless of public opinion. ok enough chit-chat for today, gotta go to work tomorrow morn,,, fuck…

Stay tuned for another episode of  “Tales from the “other” side”

Deadend

Ok, this is what srsly is doing my fucking head in. Right before my son was borne I get told that my job contract will not by renewed (six month contracts,3rd time renewal). I’ve done 150% for this company, the guy you can come to and ask for help, with anything. Need a paper or a mail translated? Four languages, bring it on, I’ll help. You got a lot of work? Give me some of your load(pun unintended), I’ll learn how to do this and help you out…etc…

Now HQ says we have to drop some people, I’m good at what I do, knowledgeable of company procedures in general, have the best English skills in the company (should mean a lot in a country where most of the companies are owned by foreign kings) and despite of all of that, they are trying to replace me?

Don’t know who is pulling the strings on this, everything in this company is like fucking knives and daggers. My contract finishes on the 31st of august and I can’t find a job (unemployed rate in this country- 10%), and because I have been a lazy-ass-junkie-teenager as I have mentioned previously, I still don’t have higher education, meaning that most employers will not give a job to me even though I have a long list of experience. And I’m NOT going back to being a barman for shity money, and no way in hell that I’ll go for a process worker job again. Last time that happened, not good, alcohol, back to drugs, depression, insomnia…hell no… but I have to provide for my family…shit…

Anyways, I’ve tried everything I could to hang on to this job, but from what I gather, the executive manager of the company has something against me. Is it the tattoos? Is it because I don‘t wear a business outfit? Fuck that,,,

When I see him (EM) though, he’s as polite as if all is fine (he even addresses me formally). Only two things I can do now: Confront him in his top-of-the-castle office, let him know what’s what and see if there is any heart or brain in his body, and keep sending CV’s to potential employers.

I’m training to be a tattoo artist, yes, the tattoo studio belongs to my mother (mom’s also my tutor), but,,,she’s on a whole different level and I have to get at least close to that level to start as a professional. Might take another year…

 A.

 

No more drinking

Hello folks. How many times do you drink too much and you say to yourself “I’ll never drink this much in one night again”? And here I am with another hangover. Aw well, better then a methamphetamine come-down…

Yesterday I met a lost cousin of mine, he grew up a lot, looks good, had a good chat. Today I finally get a few hours of playing Fallout New Vegas, used to play a lot of games, but now with my son and work and everything else I don’t have much time anymore. Playing is important for me, like watching good movies and reading good books. Don’t know if it’s escaping reality, don’t think so. I just love a good story, some action and to focus on something else.

I’m taking some nootropics now to increase cognitive functions. Been taking Piracetam 4,8g daily along with anti-oxidants, vitamins and minerals for two weeks now. Effects so far are mild, but it’s good progress.

If it goes well, I need to start training again, used to do muay-thai and parkour. I was very happy when I was training. It’s true what they say, with a healthy body comes a healthy mind…

Andy out…

The start of something…

Hi everyone, figured I might need some space to dump some of the shit I have swirling around in my head.

YOU are welcome to read my mind. I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now.

3 weeks ago, my son was born, am learning to be a tattoo artist(more to that later), starting school for a business degree, working as an administrative person.

It’s a lot to deal with. I hate my self for being a lazy-ass junkie teenager and not going for a higher qualification back then… just didn’t care about the system.

Now everything I didn’t bother with back then is coming back and fucking biting me in the ass, PEOPLE, DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!!! Don’t let shit pile up, do everything you need to, to be better, to have a quality life, to be happy in the long run.

I’ve created this blog to release some pressure, inspired by some people already doing this sort of thing, blogging I mean, I read their posts till today and feel with them.

 Stay tuned…

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