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Breakthrough

I haven’t been writing anything lately, sorry. Past two months have been… eventful…

1cfcac6e8fa73da2a91b67b371dc126a“S” has had a change of mind, saying she doesn’t want to fight any more, that she’s tired of it, that the kids should have a at least “partially functioning” family. Since then we have been going out here and then. Cinema, pub, botanic garden, restaurant, spending some time together. It has been great to be with her, but it’s very painful for me to even write about it. I miss her so much. Seeing again how she thinks of the same things as me when watching a movie together, how we “get” our jokes, moods and all… How beautiful she is, I could go on and on… The feeling of guilt is eating its way through my heart at every moment I think of her. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do, career wise, as a single mother of two, with no man at her side. I want to be with her, be there for her. I spoke of this with her. But she can not imagine to be with me at all, she still sees me as neither man nor woman, still sees me as a monster(her own words). What I will do is: 1) Keep going out with her (I love her = have to see her no matter the pain) 2) Hope she finds a man she can give her heart to (very jealous but her happiness and security is higher priority) 3) Not go mad cause of my pain and think of my family before doing anything “stupid”

The biggest event for these past two months is that, Dr. Weiss (which is the num.1 in transgender issues in CZ) whom I’ve  seen two months ago, has sent a psychological diagnosis to my psychologist. The diagnosis reads: Gender identity test according to FDT test – female; Transgender – male-to-female…This has been such an emotional break for me.

 

For the past 4-5 months I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t know if I’m really a girl or just crazy or if I have any dangerous disorder or anything… This has lifted all of that. I took the report to my mom. She said: So, you’ve really brought it to me black on white… I think she didn’t have  words to say. She asked what I was talking about with my shrink, I had no problem in telling her. Before I went from the tattoo studio upstairs to my place, she gave me a hug full of promise of support…When I came upstairs I burst into tears. Thinking of hardships of the past 6 months, the relive that came was overwhelming. I cried like a little girl 🙂 What has changed: 1) I know that I’m not crazy, dysfunctional, sociopathic or otherwise “ill” ^_^ 2) I’m much more comfortable using female pronouns 3) A tiny bit more comfortable in crowds of people… My dad doesn’t know yet. My sister might know it, if not, she’ll find out from this post. Yesterday I got a haircut from the hair dresser that provides services for our studio. It looks something like this—————–>Image

It makes me even more comfortable cause I really like it, like a lot ^_^ Also I’m realising that although I have a really manly face, I CAN change. I did my eye brows in a androgynous style and my hair is more feminine by the day, and it does  make a difference. Still hate the rest of my face though… What I need next is getting rid of facial hair, by laser or by electrocution.Can’t imagine how much the plastic surgeries for facial feminisation are going to cost… Or better said, Can imagine how much it’s gonna cost, just can’t imagine how I’m gonna get the money together…

At  work it’s starting to get more exciting every day. My boss Eva knows that I’m TG. So now we’re both giving out hints buried in conversation. When/if they find out or start asking, don’t know what I’m gonna say,,, the truth of course. But that will jeopardies my job, among other things…Some of them are going to be fine I think (the women), BUT, the others (80-90% of the men) have a high predisposition to behave like cavemen and be,,,like,,,men, I guess ?_? Because of them, I haven’t “come out” at work fully yet.  A party is coming up tomorrow. Just our dept. of logistics. I’m really looking forward to it cause I’m very lucky to have collogues like this. They are all interesting and unique in their ways… I don’t think it’s gonna be a good place to come out to them all. The breaking point for me is a great collogue that is very family driven, and I think he might be very critical to downright aggressive. And because I like him a lot, I don’t want to get into a fight with him. I hate hurting people I like… What I’ll do: 1) I’ll Consolidate my boss on the idea of coming out to them 2) I’ll put some heavy fucking thought into telling them!!! 3) Tell one of them (she’s called Maki, like the sushi, she’s a great gal :)) first at the party and hope for the best. I think she will be a quite accepting and valuable ally in the upcoming debate (you know, when I drop the TG bomb),,. nuf said 4) Collaborate a contingency plan; in case shit does hit the fan.

So,,, the journey has begun. I strongly hope that I’ll get HRT asap. But I’ll find that out in two weeks time. Also, My great friend Sam has decided to make the first step and made an appointment with the best Psycho Therapist and sexologist for TG people in CZ. I’m really happy for him 🙂

Thanks for your attention and time ^_^

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Everything I do…

imagescae6e86gSoo, the past few days have been eventful. Most recently, I have been on vacation, in the mountains away from civilization, away from people, from everything. Well, out of 11 people that were supposed to come, only 2 came, for various reasons. Way up there in the mountains, my best two friends and I enjoyed a great night together, had a great laugh. But the next day, the second person had to leave cause he didn´t get days off, so my best friend left with him to get supplies and to find his dog, which ran away from him on his way up the mountain (long story). My best friend didn´t come back, all his stuff was there, I started to get really worried. I spent 24 hours up there alone, worrying about my friend, scared that something might have happened to him on the way back up (he´s crazy enough to try it through the woods up the mountain at night without no light). Also, I was scared as hell cause of all the noises in the forest, with friends it´s magical, without them however, it´s scary as hell… During the 24 hours of solitude, my depression kicked in hard, I can not describe all the thoughts that went through my head at the time. Maybe the hardest things were that for one, I felt like I´m completely alone in the world. And secondly, I could not stop thinking about “S” and how much I miss my children. I haven’t seen them for two weeks! And I´m too scared too even send a message to “S” to ask how my boys are doing, cause I´m too afraid that she will again start to write stuff like “Just kill yourself already, my children are better off without a monster like you” and other even more hurtful things. Hopefully I’ll see the boys this weekend. Thing is, even though “S” is trying to make my life as uncomfortable as possible right now, in those 24 hours of solitude, I couldn´t stop thinking about her. That same very place in the mountains is the place we first made love. It got to me,,, I miss her very much in my life, I still love her… So I spent my time alone up there remembering everything I love about her…

Lately, no matter what I try to make myself feel better, nothing works. I feel like I´m losing the fight. It´s like a set of scales, one end holds the promise of a better life, my children, my family, my friends. And the other end is pushed down by my incompetence to live a normal life, the depression, anxiety, suicide, my body. Today my mom talked to me about some issues: “S”, my gender identity, my kids, and money (she´s been greatly supporting me moneywise cause I´m such a fuckup), and I stood there listening and all I could think about is “Run upstairs, run away, open up your arteries and let´s be done with it”… The suicidal thoughts are coming everyday now… But enough of that for today.Blopdy-Love-Tragedy-Wallpaper

In other news, Sherry, a genderqueer friend that has been on Prague Pride with me, has been great support and I thank the gods, that there are people like her in this world. Next, I thank you, readers, for your support, every comment and follow is giving me strength and letting me know that this blog is not a piece of junk. And lastly, I´m really sorry that my recent posts are just so depressing and venting. It´s just that, when I try anything creative lately, my mind wonders off,,, back to me being what I am and I destroy the piece, take my pills and go to sleep. I´ll do my best to put some creative stuff, some lighter stuff  on here though. I promise…

Stay tuned, love to you all and good night ^_^

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