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Breakthrough

I haven’t been writing anything lately, sorry. Past two months have been… eventful…

1cfcac6e8fa73da2a91b67b371dc126a“S” has had a change of mind, saying she doesn’t want to fight any more, that she’s tired of it, that the kids should have a at least “partially functioning” family. Since then we have been going out here and then. Cinema, pub, botanic garden, restaurant, spending some time together. It has been great to be with her, but it’s very painful for me to even write about it. I miss her so much. Seeing again how she thinks of the same things as me when watching a movie together, how we “get” our jokes, moods and all… How beautiful she is, I could go on and on… The feeling of guilt is eating its way through my heart at every moment I think of her. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do, career wise, as a single mother of two, with no man at her side. I want to be with her, be there for her. I spoke of this with her. But she can not imagine to be with me at all, she still sees me as neither man nor woman, still sees me as a monster(her own words). What I will do is: 1) Keep going out with her (I love her = have to see her no matter the pain) 2) Hope she finds a man she can give her heart to (very jealous but her happiness and security is higher priority) 3) Not go mad cause of my pain and think of my family before doing anything “stupid”

The biggest event for these past two months is that, Dr. Weiss (which is the num.1 in transgender issues in CZ) whom I’ve  seen two months ago, has sent a psychological diagnosis to my psychologist. The diagnosis reads: Gender identity test according to FDT test – female; Transgender – male-to-female…This has been such an emotional break for me.

 

For the past 4-5 months I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t know if I’m really a girl or just crazy or if I have any dangerous disorder or anything… This has lifted all of that. I took the report to my mom. She said: So, you’ve really brought it to me black on white… I think she didn’t have  words to say. She asked what I was talking about with my shrink, I had no problem in telling her. Before I went from the tattoo studio upstairs to my place, she gave me a hug full of promise of support…When I came upstairs I burst into tears. Thinking of hardships of the past 6 months, the relive that came was overwhelming. I cried like a little girl 🙂 What has changed: 1) I know that I’m not crazy, dysfunctional, sociopathic or otherwise “ill” ^_^ 2) I’m much more comfortable using female pronouns 3) A tiny bit more comfortable in crowds of people… My dad doesn’t know yet. My sister might know it, if not, she’ll find out from this post. Yesterday I got a haircut from the hair dresser that provides services for our studio. It looks something like this—————–>Image

It makes me even more comfortable cause I really like it, like a lot ^_^ Also I’m realising that although I have a really manly face, I CAN change. I did my eye brows in a androgynous style and my hair is more feminine by the day, and it does  make a difference. Still hate the rest of my face though… What I need next is getting rid of facial hair, by laser or by electrocution.Can’t imagine how much the plastic surgeries for facial feminisation are going to cost… Or better said, Can imagine how much it’s gonna cost, just can’t imagine how I’m gonna get the money together…

At  work it’s starting to get more exciting every day. My boss Eva knows that I’m TG. So now we’re both giving out hints buried in conversation. When/if they find out or start asking, don’t know what I’m gonna say,,, the truth of course. But that will jeopardies my job, among other things…Some of them are going to be fine I think (the women), BUT, the others (80-90% of the men) have a high predisposition to behave like cavemen and be,,,like,,,men, I guess ?_? Because of them, I haven’t “come out” at work fully yet.  A party is coming up tomorrow. Just our dept. of logistics. I’m really looking forward to it cause I’m very lucky to have collogues like this. They are all interesting and unique in their ways… I don’t think it’s gonna be a good place to come out to them all. The breaking point for me is a great collogue that is very family driven, and I think he might be very critical to downright aggressive. And because I like him a lot, I don’t want to get into a fight with him. I hate hurting people I like… What I’ll do: 1) I’ll Consolidate my boss on the idea of coming out to them 2) I’ll put some heavy fucking thought into telling them!!! 3) Tell one of them (she’s called Maki, like the sushi, she’s a great gal :)) first at the party and hope for the best. I think she will be a quite accepting and valuable ally in the upcoming debate (you know, when I drop the TG bomb),,. nuf said 4) Collaborate a contingency plan; in case shit does hit the fan.

So,,, the journey has begun. I strongly hope that I’ll get HRT asap. But I’ll find that out in two weeks time. Also, My great friend Sam has decided to make the first step and made an appointment with the best Psycho Therapist and sexologist for TG people in CZ. I’m really happy for him 🙂

Thanks for your attention and time ^_^

I know I fucked up…

What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.

My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!

Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…

I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…

The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…

Better left untold

It’s harder then i thought, I guess nothing can really prepare you for this,,, not having time to sit back and leave everything in the physical domain. Always something to do, minute to minute, hour after hour till your head goes fucking mental at any tiny inconvenience. Such are the hardships of parenthood…

Now I’m glad I created this forum…

Let me tell you something I’ve learned over the years. Do not let people around you know a thing out of your head, keep it to yourself until you are a 100% sure, that they will accept who and what you are without the silver Mask of Society (acceptance and speech +20). If you’re at least a bit like me, people will never see what you really are about, not without long term inception anyway,,, You’ll hear how crazy you are, how unacceptable, unreal etc. Base rule: People are stupid,,, sad but true in general. People might show outright fear (I know!! unbelievable). Or cast you out of their “take serious list”…

Where I’m going with this,,, I don’t have any people in my area of effect to which I could talk about these things, ok, maybe one, but mostly that is not enough. Let them know what exactly you think about a sayed subject, how you felt about things regardless of public opinion. ok enough chit-chat for today, gotta go to work tomorrow morn,,, fuck…

Stay tuned for another episode of  “Tales from the “other” side”

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