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Up and down and up and Down…

84c9e62463e1a5d6cc1e644b7adb05e2Hey everyone! The company night out has gone down. It was overwhelming! My colleagues took it really well. Just on guy doesn’t know cause he went to sleep too early… I’m leaving him out of the look for now, it was stressful enough telling so many people in such a small time window so I’m not too keen on telling him now. I’ll wait till the opportunity is right. The guy I was totally worried about was to my huge surprise very supporting and rally cool with it. They still don’t get what being transgender is about, so now some of their questions or remarks can be quite uncomfortable. But since I told them, I feel much more at ease when I’m at work. So things are looking up from that end.

On the other hand I feel terrible cause my mom still refuses to believe that I’m TG. There’s more thing I can’t write about just yet. Added to that, “S” has decided to sort stuff between us through the court. I just received a letter calling us to the Judge and next week, some women from the court will take a look at my apartment to decide In whose custody the kids are going to be. She did it cause of money, although I’m giving her all I can, barely have enough for myself, she still wants more… I know it’s hard for her, but I’m also struggling, hard, and she doesn’t see that at all.

Lately the shit seems to be piling up, there is so much to handle and deal with. Too much of it. I just wish I could be me and live in peace.

Fucking hell,,, I can’t believe I’m going to court. This is so humiliating. I’ll be standing there and everyone will say: That guy says he’s a trany just to leave his family. God I hate myself for being this way right now…

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Thoughts on Prague Pride and being transgender…

So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.

464959_1363356037266_500_362From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.

When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.

Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning:  “Take the scalpel and make the pain and

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blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…

I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…

Time will tell…

It’s time for the Pride!

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Prague Pride is the largest LGBT Pride festival in Europe. It’s happening on the 17th this month and I will be there for the first time! I am sooo excited, I can’t wait. This years “theme” is coming out, which is very fitting for me. I’ll be there with a few of my friends and it’s going to be the firs time that I’ll be completely En femme. The big thing is, everything just got together somehow (won’t bore you with the details) and we are going to start making a transgender documentary. By chance I met a professional cameraman, he films for TV and for a Dakar racing team. I’ve seen some of his work and I’m really looking forward to do this with him of all people. First I wanted to make it a documentary for transgender people that are struggling like me and to raise awareness of transgender issues for cisgender people. The awareness part is very important to me, because people here know as much about us as they knew about gay and lesbian people 20 years ago. Originally I only wanted to post this on youtube and a few others (I didn’t know that he also works for TV) and then he said that we could make it a 3 year project to film my transition and some stories with other trans people, and in the end it could get broadcasted on national TV. That just blew my mind…

I’m not sure if I’m ready to go this far. If I do this, I’m afraid that I’ll never fully pass as a girl because everyone will know that I used to be a boy. On the other hand, I could help a lot of people with this…

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