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Up and down and up and Down…

84c9e62463e1a5d6cc1e644b7adb05e2Hey everyone! The company night out has gone down. It was overwhelming! My colleagues took it really well. Just on guy doesn’t know cause he went to sleep too early… I’m leaving him out of the look for now, it was stressful enough telling so many people in such a small time window so I’m not too keen on telling him now. I’ll wait till the opportunity is right. The guy I was totally worried about was to my huge surprise very supporting and rally cool with it. They still don’t get what being transgender is about, so now some of their questions or remarks can be quite uncomfortable. But since I told them, I feel much more at ease when I’m at work. So things are looking up from that end.

On the other hand I feel terrible cause my mom still refuses to believe that I’m TG. There’s more thing I can’t write about just yet. Added to that, “S” has decided to sort stuff between us through the court. I just received a letter calling us to the Judge and next week, some women from the court will take a look at my apartment to decide In whose custody the kids are going to be. She did it cause of money, although I’m giving her all I can, barely have enough for myself, she still wants more… I know it’s hard for her, but I’m also struggling, hard, and she doesn’t see that at all.

Lately the shit seems to be piling up, there is so much to handle and deal with. Too much of it. I just wish I could be me and live in peace.

Fucking hell,,, I can’t believe I’m going to court. This is so humiliating. I’ll be standing there and everyone will say: That guy says he’s a trany just to leave his family. God I hate myself for being this way right now…


Poetry from the past

Wow, never thought I´ll find these pieces again. In this post you´ll find a few short pieces of text that I have written back in 2009, in a bad state of mind. The world was crushing me blow after blow and this is one of the ways I coped. Excuse my bad writing and other short comings, my english was a bit worse those days. All images used for this post are copyright © Jenni Tapanila aka Suzi9mm. I love the work of Jenni cause of the beutiful contrast of white and crimson red, and because of the way it makes me feel love, hate, happines, sadnes and other alike feelings all at once. Here it goes:

The good and the bad… exquisite

The strange things I see,
again, looking out of the window,
I see the good and the bad,
the happy and the sad.
I see a little bird,
for the first time leaving its nest,
a child,
feeding on its mothers brest,
a young soldier,
saved by his bulletproof vest.
But what would the good be without the bad,
I see a hopeless man hoping for the best,
a loving father resisting arrest,
an unbourn baby,

failing lifes test,
such is the way the good and the bad manifest…
With every pain we learn,
some people don´t understand,
the good things in life, we have to earn,
and for some we have to burn…
Hardship makes us strong,
how much pain can we take?
The road to nirvana is long,
so we have to fight,
untill we hear the last song,
this is the way it has to be,
It´s not our right, to ask what is right and what is wrong,
I do not wish to face this alone,
I just hope, that you will come along…

Thousend reasons…i-am-the-drain

You and me,
a dieing breed,
you are afraid of where this could lead,
let go, no fear,
makeing you happy is my creed,
I will do it for you,
even if I have to bleed,
your love, your light, is what I need,
I´m falling in love head over feet…
Open your heart,
forget the things around,
open it wide,
and let me iside,
lets go wilde,
let us feel together,
spend the days side by side…
As seasons change,
stars rearange,
one thing stays the same,
I don´t finde it strange.
These words might be strange stuff,
but they dont change,
like the earth below, and the skys above,
this thing I can´t change is love…
I´m not a writer as such,
and now I wrote too much,
I would give you a thousend reasons,
but for now, it should be enough…

The fallen…i_like_it_Type_O

I shut my eyes, see your face,
you hve touched my soul in new ways,
like no one has touched it in all of my days,
emotion in waves, washing me away,
the memory stays…
I dearly miss the last kiss,
what have I done to deserv this,
feels like all my life is filled with injustice,
I am ready to fall into the abyss,
traped in a dream, I wonder if I still exist…
Again, I think of you,
I don´t know what to do,
I knew, that this world is cruel,
I tryed to ignore it, I feel like a fool,
like a used tool,
it´s true, I´m lost without you…
I think of the past,
you turned me away,
you sayed it went too fast
and it just wuld´t last…
The moments we had,
magic and rad,
it´s so sad, that things turned out so bad,
I´m going mad,
stereing at an empty bed…
I wish you could take my hand,
be with me in this far land,
time is passing like shifting sand,
I´m trying to understand…
I can´t, I can´t…

Regardless Conffesion…

daddy_fucked_me_and_i_loved_itAs the days are passing by,
I feel the need to confess,
tell me father,
why must life be such a mess,
I look out of the window,
see hearts filled with pain, and heads full of stress,
searching for the light,
finding only warm welcoming darkness,
I pass,
every time I try to find the light,
I get a kick in the ass…
Wondering what the future brings,
the compas pointing east,
I hear the calling,
prepare for the bloody feast,
waiting for fate to decide,
wich will it be, the beuty or the beast…
On this jurney, I find my self awake,
on the botom of the deepest lake,
the way up is long,
it might be too late,
again, I think of ouer first date…
In the dim light of that night,
your eyes shineing as bright as the stars,
your lips, filled with promise, deep red,
I was thinking that I was in paradise,
that I was dead,
with all those emotions in my heart and in my head,
it´s getting late,
now it´s time to go to bed…
I hope,
I hope, that with time,
I can call you mine…

Confesion of hope…


The taste of coffee, bitter sweet on my tonge,
Thinking of the things I have done,
and not done,
I look at the moon, think of the sun,
I look at the stars,
and think of what we might become…
Sudenly, I stand still, and quietly,
I close my eyes and hold my breath,
as I think of the beuty in life and death,
I think in depth,

of the memories I have kept,
can´t forget, the time we first met…
In this cold and lonely night,
my mind is with you, searching for your light,
I wish I could hold you in my arms,
hold you tight,
you give me strength to fight,
the fight that is life…
Like a storm coming from clear skys, love came over me,
so sudenly, violently and yet, naturaly,
a strong bond, pulling me towards you iresistably,
all I hope for, all I wish for,
is for you to cross the sea,
join me here, so we can live together happyly,
that´s the way I wish things to be…




I try to touch the sky, make my soul fly…

Next thing I know, I hear a sound,

I hit the ground…
At the botom of the sea, no one hears my scream,
is this some kind of fucked up dream?..
Now I have no doubt, this world´s a bitch,

let me out, let me out!..
Now all alone in the sun,
waiting for the cool of the night to come,
I try to run, I can´t, I´m done…
It was a dream, but the pain is real,
so real, I feel like a broken wheel…
I sleepwalk away, try to make it trough the next day,
it´s a heavy price i have to pay…
My place is where nothing is promised,
my life is filled with less hope then the prophesies of Nostradamos…
She said sweet dreams, now all I have is hot tears,
empty dreams and a lung full of screams…

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