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Ever wanted to scream so hard, your head would explode?

Sooo,,, here’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. I have started seeing severaldoctors in the past 3-4 months. Psychotherapist, sexologist and various psychologists. The first “therapist” nearly drove me to suicide (if weren’t for my kids…), she was very unprofessional and mean. My sexologist is pretty ok, although too much logic driven if you ask me (he’s like 30), right now he’s waiting on a confirmation from a psychologist. A confirmation of what they call a “Gender identity disorder” and that can take a will considering that all the doctors can see you roughly once in two months cause their so busy and no doctor here wants to confirm that in the firs 3 to 4 sit-downs. Once the diagnosis is made, my sexologist can start me on “Hormone replacement therapy” or HRT. The waiting is killing me. The doctors here are quite narrow-minded and everyone is trying to fit me into some stereotype. Like this first therapist who told me stuff like “Transgender MtFs have to like only masculine men and they have fear from trousers and all of them love pink (which I actually do like, the color and the singerJ)”. Or this other doctor who was trying to tell me that I can’t be a girl, cause I’ve got tattoos!!! I mean, come fucking on, seriously?!? The most recent doctor I went to is supposedly the top sexologist to go to with transgender issues here in Czech Republic. She told me that she will not help me with the transition because I have such young kids and that it’s in this regard a too big responsibility for her, low blow. I know that my kids are a priority and no one has to tell me that, and even through my transition they will always come first. Transgender people have a high suicide rate for reasons like not being able to transition for whatever reason (kids, family, work, doctors…). Doesn’t she know this if she’s an expert? Doesn’t she realize that I might do something stupid? Doesn’t she realize that with transition, my kids will have two parents, although a bit unusual dad, but still? (side note: I say dad cause whatever my gender, I want to be a father to my kids, always).

IMG_0003666

The pressure from my surroundings combined with my disphoria and gender issues are cracking down on me very hard. I’m trying all I can to keep sane. One of the things will be this blog, I have to get back to writing and let my fantasy roam a little. This week my mother found out that I had full make-up done by a make-up artist. At first she reacted badly, but straight afterwards she was totally fine with it. At least that’s what I’ve heard because my friend, which is also a friend of my mom, “spilled the secret by accident”. My now ex-partner also knows it and I’m really not happy about that. I don’t want to upset her or cause her any depression any further, but someone from my circle of friends is feeding her information about my activities. Have to find out who that is…

I’ve also tried to tell “S” that I can take maternity leave for half a year or a whole year, so that she can relax a bit and sort her mental state out. This was purely for the stated reason, to help her out and to see my sons more. It was seen as an attack against her, which was very painful for me. My intake of anti-anxiety pills has doubled over the past couple of weeks. I’m still not taking my antidepressants correctly cause they make me sleep too much. Instead I’ve been drinking out with friends. But that stops now… Have to take the pills as I’m supposed to and vent the negative stuff on something creative and not alcohol.

So yeah, dealing with all this stuff around makes everything a lot worse. Damn,,, I have to post something positive and creative next time. I’m such a whiny

Out…

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I know I fucked up…

What do you feel when your whole life is dying and withering in front of your eyes? I´m finaly free to express myself , be myself, not lie to everyone, not having to decieve them and be my self.

My father has rejected me,,, said that if I go through with the change he will “Wish me a happy new life and that he hopes that no one will treat my like a piece of cloth and he sees no reason to comunicate with me any further”… The love of my life (my female partener and the mother of my two sons) has told me things like, I have lied to her all this time and that she feels sick when she looks at me and that I´m becoming a monster, a freak and so on… My mother refuses to belief anything I´m saying, she thinks it´s just another outbreak of emotions,,, like when I was trying to be as manly as possible by doing stuff like skinheds, muay-tai, parkour having a family and so on. I know I fucked up by having two kids and coming out now, but,,, FUCK!!!

Why does every one think that I “chose” to do this… How could someone just go through all these hardships by choice? The choice was clear to me: Either be my self or don´t be at all, and that´s no choice at all… And now I have to be interigated by everyone, the doctors, family, it so fucking sucks to be trans. I´m no longer ashamed of the fact that I´m transgendered but I hate it so much!!! Tucking for an instance, forcing your genitals up inside you (after a few hours you feel like getting punched into your balls,,, seriousely) is so humiliating and disgusting but it´s better than having IT there…

I hate my self for pretending to be something I´m not this long. When my close friend told me that I was a MALE ICON for him, or my sister, my mom, my life partner tell me that I´m totally a man and that they didn´t have the slightest clue (whilst trying to convince me that I´m a boy), it hurts every time…

The only things that keep me going now are my sons and the fact that I have a goal. To be myself, not to be afraid of people anymore… The bottle of white is takeing it´s toll now,,, better sign off,,, kisses…

Heads-up

Sweden can be a nice country. Unfortunetly it has lost most of it’s cultural and historycal heritage. No viking themed pub, no historical museum. Was it naive to think that there are going to be places like that? I don’t think so. Maybe it is because of the lack of tourism, because of the steep prices. I mean 10 bucks for a beer? Come on…  Oh, and gues what. No mead! I know!!! There is nothing else then business in that country. True, I only saw one city, but Göteborg as a hub should be full of culture.

Now I’m glad that I’m back with my family. My boy is growing fast and he is well.

I’ve missed out on a lot from the grinding comunity as well. Also need to get back to tattooing asap.

I’m getting out of practice. At least I finaly managed to get my drivers licenc.

In other news,: Lepht hasn’t updated her blog for two months now. I’m thinking of giving her a call or at least a text. I can still see articles on the web saying she’s a reckless punk slicing her self open with a vegetable pealer sterilised with vodka and right after that they say that she’s the first one to bring biohacking to the peoples attention. “Whith all due respect” shit… I’m sick of those people. Anything they are afraid to try out, they precieve as a threat. Those bullshit comments about “a bunch of self harming kids on drugs” are doing my head in… Educate your self you fucking fuck! Well, what do I care for them. Education isn’t gonna help them anyway. I understand that Tim Cannon is trying to make Grindhouse wetware look more acceptable in the eyes of the public by separating them selfs from cyberpunk L. But this is not the way. I’d like to know what DirectorX thinks of this.

 I’m starting to build up a transhumanist/grinder/biohacker comunity over here in CZ. It’s going slow, but I think it’ll work…

touchy about the subject

Had a really dark mood today, don’t know what it was. For example: heard a song from Phil Collins “Another day in paradise”, remembered the clip I saw ages ago, guy can’t cope with things anymore and walks out into the street after an argument with his spouse, gets drugs, gets high, his girl finds him in a back ally next to a dumpster starts crying, he starts crying too, she hugs him and takes him back home to take care of him. Beautiful, really…

Had to switch the song off within 5 seconds. I hate my self for thinking like this, but, sometimes I have these thoughts. See the piston of a needle pull back, seeing a junkie scene in a movie or hearing a freakin’ song like that and after all those years I still think of going to the nearest dealer, jack up near OD and space out,,, fuck everything. That pisses me of about addiction, even if you have the will power to overcome it, it never really let’s go of you, never…

I used to be a methamphetamine addict, bad case. One of the things my country is famous for is Pervitin, a very potent form of meth. Had to run out of the country to shake the habit. Ran to Scotland-Kirkcaldy.

Very fucking hard times indeed…

Again, I’m going somewhere with this,,, about three hours ago I was wondering out loud about trying to make some poppy tea in the presence of my beloved spouse. Not a good idea,,, she doesn’t know me from when I was … gone(?) roaming funky land. so,,, she didn’t take well to it, thinking of the little one and me getting back to drugs. Do I even have to explain this? I’m somewhat touchy about that subject, when she thinks this,,, my head is thinking “how dare you..”(not having any experience with the subject and not realising how proud I am of shaking that fucking gorilla of my back). May be a bit harsh, as a reaction, I don’t say that out loud though,,, it simply pisses me of… am I over reacting? or do I deserve to be touchy about the subject???

post scriptum: status report: Energy levels dwindling, depression level rising, will update…

Better left untold

It’s harder then i thought, I guess nothing can really prepare you for this,,, not having time to sit back and leave everything in the physical domain. Always something to do, minute to minute, hour after hour till your head goes fucking mental at any tiny inconvenience. Such are the hardships of parenthood…

Now I’m glad I created this forum…

Let me tell you something I’ve learned over the years. Do not let people around you know a thing out of your head, keep it to yourself until you are a 100% sure, that they will accept who and what you are without the silver Mask of Society (acceptance and speech +20). If you’re at least a bit like me, people will never see what you really are about, not without long term inception anyway,,, You’ll hear how crazy you are, how unacceptable, unreal etc. Base rule: People are stupid,,, sad but true in general. People might show outright fear (I know!! unbelievable). Or cast you out of their “take serious list”…

Where I’m going with this,,, I don’t have any people in my area of effect to which I could talk about these things, ok, maybe one, but mostly that is not enough. Let them know what exactly you think about a sayed subject, how you felt about things regardless of public opinion. ok enough chit-chat for today, gotta go to work tomorrow morn,,, fuck…

Stay tuned for another episode of  “Tales from the “other” side”

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