Everything I do…

Soo, the past few days have been eventful. Most recently, I have been on vacation, in the mountains away from civilization, away from people, from everything. Well, out of 11 people that were supposed to come, only 2 came, for various reasons. Way up there in the mountains, my best two friends and I enjoyed a great night together, had a great laugh. But the next day, the second person had to leave cause he didn´t get days off, so my best friend left with him to get supplies and to find his dog, which ran away from him on his way up the mountain (long story). My best friend didn´t come back, all his stuff was there, I started to get really worried. I spent 24 hours up there alone, worrying about my friend, scared that something might have happened to him on the way back up (he´s crazy enough to try it through the woods up the mountain at night without no light). Also, I was scared as hell cause of all the noises in the forest, with friends it´s magical, without them however, it´s scary as hell… During the 24 hours of solitude, my depression kicked in hard, I can not describe all the thoughts that went through my head at the time. Maybe the hardest things were that for one, I felt like I´m completely alone in the world. And secondly, I could not stop thinking about “S” and how much I miss my children. I haven’t seen them for two weeks! And I´m too scared too even send a message to “S” to ask how my boys are doing, cause I´m too afraid that she will again start to write stuff like “Just kill yourself already, my children are better off without a monster like you” and other even more hurtful things. Hopefully I’ll see the boys this weekend. Thing is, even though “S” is trying to make my life as uncomfortable as possible right now, in those 24 hours of solitude, I couldn´t stop thinking about her. That same very place in the mountains is the place we first made love. It got to me,,, I miss her very much in my life, I still love her… So I spent my time alone up there remembering everything I love about her…

Lately, no matter what I try to make myself feel better, nothing works. I feel like I´m losing the fight. It´s like a set of scales, one end holds the promise of a better life, my children, my family, my friends. And the other end is pushed down by my incompetence to live a normal life, the depression, anxiety, suicide, my body. Today my mom talked to me about some issues: “S”, my gender identity, my kids, and money (she´s been greatly supporting me moneywise cause I´m such a fuckup), and I stood there listening and all I could think about is “Run upstairs, run away, open up your arteries and let´s be done with it”… The suicidal thoughts are coming everyday now… But enough of that for today.

In other news, Sherry, a genderqueer friend that has been on Prague Pride with me, has been great support and I thank the gods, that there are people like her in this world. Next, I thank you, readers, for your support, every comment and follow is giving me strength and letting me know that this blog is not a piece of junk. And lastly, I´m really sorry that my recent posts are just so depressing and venting. It´s just that, when I try anything creative lately, my mind wonders off,,, back to me being what I am and I destroy the piece, take my pills and go to sleep. I´ll do my best to put some creative stuff, some lighter stuff  on here though. I promise…

Stay tuned, love to you all and good night ^_^

Thoughts on Prague Pride and being transgender…

So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.

From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.

When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.

Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning:  “Take the scalpel and make the pain and

blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…

I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…