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The me I’m not supposed to be…

What do you do when you find out you’re transsexual?

Why were the depressions and the loathing of my self not so strong 2 or 3 years ago when I didn’t have a female partner and with her two kids? My oldest, Adam, is a beautiful boy. And now we’re six months pregnant with another boy… Why was I so stupid and selfish and told her now that she’s pregnant? I just couldn’t handle it any more…

My depression got that much worse, because she can’t handle it now. She cries all day long and that’s the toughest part of “coming out” for me. I can’t even go to the bath room without    being ashamed and disgusted by “IT” being there.

My partner can’t handle the thought that she would be with a girl. And now that I told her, I couldn’t even sleep with her anymore because she knows that I envy her deeply for her body plus I’m ashamed that my body is male.

I’m seeing a sexologist in two days and will see a psychologist as well. So is she, my partner is at a psychologist right now and I’m watching little Adam. Am about to tell my mom this afternoon, a bit nervous, but I think she’ll be ok. So far I’ve told my partner, my boss whom I trust (she’s a women :), and one friend of mine(male). I am very lucky to have friends that are open minded, It’ll take while for them to adjust though because to everyone so far it’s a complete shock. I still am attracted mostly by females and I’ve never dressed like a girl. I have been b-sexual since I was 14 and I was open about it at the time but have stopped being open about it at about 17 or 18 because of the reactions, the laughing and all, it also did make it harder to date girls.

Now I can’t handle to be a man for another minute. I am a women. End of story…

Any comments or advice welcome…

Update

Hi you all!

Right, I have been under much emotional strain lately so I haven’t been writing much. Since my last post my second son was born, his name is Lukas. He’s healthy and as big as Adam was when he was born, so from that side of things, everything is ok.

This month I have Samppa coming over to do some bodymods so I’m super excited about that. He’s gonna be here with Aneta for three days (27.-30. of August) so we’ll even have time to go out for a drink together. That should be very interesting.

Anther thing that has come up (or should I rather say “come out”?) is that I finally told the world around me that I’m transgender (MtF) and omnisexual…

Which can be a huge problem as you might imagine. Having two kids and a partner that can not even imagine to be with a girl. I told her first, that was four months ago. And since than my mom, dad, sis and most of my friends. It’s been quite the roller-coaster ride indeed. I’m seeing a psychologist and a sexologist right now, waiting on my hormones.

Because of all this me and “S”(my partner) have split-up. I’m now living in a small but nice flat above our tattoo studio and I’m taking the kids every weekend.

That is making the whole situation a lot lot worse. I love her more then anyone else in the world and I wanted to stay with her but she’s just not able to do that. “S” has been treating me very badly now because she blames me for everything that I have done to her. I can’t blame her for being angry at everything, but I have not chosen to be trans… And I “came out” cause I could not take another day of this shit, being stuck in the wrong body, living someone else’s life. Now “S” thinks that I am hurting her deliberately and that I don’t want to be with her and with the kids.

I feel guilty enough as it is, but on top of that, “S” started seeing a psychotherapist because she’s having a very tough time coping with all this. Last week I told “S” that if she wants, I can take maternity leave and the kids can be with me for the next 6 months. That was to help her and to give her some alone time to cope with everything. But she took it as an attack, telling me that she doesn’t want me to have them, that she doesn’t want the kids to become sick and perverted and selfish like me. Well,,, enough of what “S” said…

Any time she calls my cell now, my anxiety kicks in. Right from the start my sexologist has prescribed me antidepressives and tranquilisers for the anxiety but I’m not properly taking the antidepressives. They make me sleep too long and too hard, but at least they let me fall asleep. And they also restore my appetite for food. Without them I can’t eat and can’t sleep…

Andy out… (for now)

 

Deadend

Ok, this is what srsly is doing my fucking head in. Right before my son was borne I get told that my job contract will not by renewed (six month contracts,3rd time renewal). I’ve done 150% for this company, the guy you can come to and ask for help, with anything. Need a paper or a mail translated? Four languages, bring it on, I’ll help. You got a lot of work? Give me some of your load(pun unintended), I’ll learn how to do this and help you out…etc…

Now HQ says we have to drop some people, I’m good at what I do, knowledgeable of company procedures in general, have the best English skills in the company (should mean a lot in a country where most of the companies are owned by foreign kings) and despite of all of that, they are trying to replace me?

Don’t know who is pulling the strings on this, everything in this company is like fucking knives and daggers. My contract finishes on the 31st of august and I can’t find a job (unemployed rate in this country- 10%), and because I have been a lazy-ass-junkie-teenager as I have mentioned previously, I still don’t have higher education, meaning that most employers will not give a job to me even though I have a long list of experience. And I’m NOT going back to being a barman for shity money, and no way in hell that I’ll go for a process worker job again. Last time that happened, not good, alcohol, back to drugs, depression, insomnia…hell no… but I have to provide for my family…shit…

Anyways, I’ve tried everything I could to hang on to this job, but from what I gather, the executive manager of the company has something against me. Is it the tattoos? Is it because I don‘t wear a business outfit? Fuck that,,,

When I see him (EM) though, he’s as polite as if all is fine (he even addresses me formally). Only two things I can do now: Confront him in his top-of-the-castle office, let him know what’s what and see if there is any heart or brain in his body, and keep sending CV’s to potential employers.

I’m training to be a tattoo artist, yes, the tattoo studio belongs to my mother (mom’s also my tutor), but,,,she’s on a whole different level and I have to get at least close to that level to start as a professional. Might take another year…

 A.

 

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