I haven’t been writing anything lately, sorry. Past two months have been… eventful…
“S” has had a change of mind, saying she doesn’t want to fight any more, that she’s tired of it, that the kids should have a at least “partially functioning” family. Since then we have been going out here and then. Cinema, pub, botanic garden, restaurant, spending some time together. It has been great to be with her, but it’s very painful for me to even write about it. I miss her so much. Seeing again how she thinks of the same things as me when watching a movie together, how we “get” our jokes, moods and all… How beautiful she is, I could go on and on… The feeling of guilt is eating its way through my heart at every moment I think of her. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do, career wise, as a single mother of two, with no man at her side. I want to be with her, be there for her. I spoke of this with her. But she can not imagine to be with me at all, she still sees me as neither man nor woman, still sees me as a monster(her own words). What I will do is: 1) Keep going out with her (I love her = have to see her no matter the pain) 2) Hope she finds a man she can give her heart to (very jealous but her happiness and security is higher priority) 3) Not go mad cause of my pain and think of my family before doing anything “stupid”
The biggest event for these past two months is that, Dr. Weiss (which is the num.1 in transgender issues in CZ) whom I’ve seen two months ago, has sent a psychological diagnosis to my psychologist. The diagnosis reads: Gender identity test according to FDT test – female; Transgender – male-to-female…This has been such an emotional break for me.
For the past 4-5 months I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t know if I’m really a girl or just crazy or if I have any dangerous disorder or anything… This has lifted all of that. I took the report to my mom. She said: So, you’ve really brought it to me black on white… I think she didn’t have words to say. She asked what I was talking about with my shrink, I had no problem in telling her. Before I went from the tattoo studio upstairs to my place, she gave me a hug full of promise of support…When I came upstairs I burst into tears. Thinking of hardships of the past 6 months, the relive that came was overwhelming. I cried like a little girl 🙂 What has changed: 1) I know that I’m not crazy, dysfunctional, sociopathic or otherwise “ill” ^_^ 2) I’m much more comfortable using female pronouns 3) A tiny bit more comfortable in crowds of people… My dad doesn’t know yet. My sister might know it, if not, she’ll find out from this post. Yesterday I got a haircut from the hair dresser that provides services for our studio. It looks something like this—————–>
It makes me even more comfortable cause I really like it, like a lot ^_^ Also I’m realising that although I have a really manly face, I CAN change. I did my eye brows in a androgynous style and my hair is more feminine by the day, and it does make a difference. Still hate the rest of my face though… What I need next is getting rid of facial hair, by laser or by electrocution.Can’t imagine how much the plastic surgeries for facial feminisation are going to cost… Or better said, Can imagine how much it’s gonna cost, just can’t imagine how I’m gonna get the money together…
At work it’s starting to get more exciting every day. My boss Eva knows that I’m TG. So now we’re both giving out hints buried in conversation. When/if they find out or start asking, don’t know what I’m gonna say,,, the truth of course. But that will jeopardies my job, among other things…Some of them are going to be fine I think (the women), BUT, the others (80-90% of the men) have a high predisposition to behave like cavemen and be,,,like,,,men, I guess ?_? Because of them, I haven’t “come out” at work fully yet. A party is coming up tomorrow. Just our dept. of logistics. I’m really looking forward to it cause I’m very lucky to have collogues like this. They are all interesting and unique in their ways… I don’t think it’s gonna be a good place to come out to them all. The breaking point for me is a great collogue that is very family driven, and I think he might be very critical to downright aggressive. And because I like him a lot, I don’t want to get into a fight with him. I hate hurting people I like… What I’ll do: 1) I’ll Consolidate my boss on the idea of coming out to them 2) I’ll put some heavy fucking thought into telling them!!! 3) Tell one of them (she’s called Maki, like the sushi, she’s a great gal :)) first at the party and hope for the best. I think she will be a quite accepting and valuable ally in the upcoming debate (you know, when I drop the TG bomb),,. nuf said 4) Collaborate a contingency plan; in case shit does hit the fan.
So,,, the journey has begun. I strongly hope that I’ll get HRT asap. But I’ll find that out in two weeks time. Also, My great friend Sam has decided to make the first step and made an appointment with the best Psycho Therapist and sexologist for TG people in CZ. I’m really happy for him 🙂
Thanks for your attention and time ^_^
So yesterday was the Prague Pride event… I went with three female friends of mine, one genderqueer girl ex colleague. Having her in my life and support me is one of the best things that has happened in my life right now, she´s given me much strength and I love her to bits. One lesbian colleague, she´s a lot of fun to be with, although I don´t think she really gets what being transgender is about. And one asexual girl, I don´t know if she just isn´t informed enough about me or transgender issues, but she kept calling me by my old name and used the wrong pronouns, which on a day like that, was very hurtful. But in any case, the last girl is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Her knowledge, interests, and taste I “underground” culture and art (don´t know how else to put this in words), is a great inspiration for me. She´s one of the only people I know, that can tell me things about culture, literature and others, that I myself don´t know.
From the start it was totally horrifying. In Prague, we parked the car and had to go the rest of the way by subway and then on foot for a while. In the morning, I had my make-up done by my friend who does this for a living (not for tans people though) and I had girls clothes on, so by all means I was in girl mode, the terrible thing was that I was by far not at all passable as a girl. So on the way to the Parade, I got people everywhere staring at me (thank the gods no one was laughing or making comments), my anxiety kicked in hard and stayed all the way, I was that close to bursting out in tears and run away as far as I could. The whole time, I could only stay quiet and stare into the ground so that no one sees my face. At one point along the way, we walked through a totally empty shopping centre. You know those black, shiny mannequins without a face? I wished I was like them,,, no face, no voice, no pain… Also, during the way to the Parade, “S” has sent me an sms, that she has been in our tattoo studio and in my flat which is above the studio and only accessible through the studio (she has made a copy of the key that she returned to me, so that was a brake in), and has brought my stuff back (like gifts that I have given her and some of little Adams toys) and taken her stuff back (like some pictures and even my only blanket to sleep under), so that made the jurney even harder.
When we got there, things started to lighten up. All those beautiful people, all those colors, the music, the whole atmosphere took me on another planet so to say. We met with my cameraman to take some more shots for the documentary, he filmed the first shots in the studio, in the morning when I had my make-up done. And then the parade stared rolling. Me and my three friends by my side, walked in the Parade for one hour, through the city, from point A to where the party was. It was HUGE!!! Thousands of LGBT people walking together trough the beautiful city of Prague. Hundreds of people along the way, watching the Parade, filming us, taking pictures, waving banners saying things like “You are awesome”, “We love you” and other things that,,, god, I´m crying remembering this right now… There were also a few bad eggs as well though, banners saying “HOMO SEX=ROAD TO HELL” and a picture of two mothers and a little boy, asking where his daddy is. The last one hit me very hard due to my situation right now. But the bad ones where less then you could count on one hand, the good ones were a much higher number and that was good. Walking past all those cheering people made me feel good about myself and proud, really proud, for the first time in my life. All in all, it was a very strong and emotional experience. It made my day and I felt great among the like minded people, who don´t look at me strange and whisper foul thoughts. I felt love and understanding all around.
Today is a different story… It´s like waking up from one of those really lifelike dreams that give you what you dearly desire, you wake up and realize that all you had is gone, it was just a dream. My anxiety kicked in the moment I looked into the mirror this morning. I can´t look at myself. I had a shower that took me an hour because I started shaking uncontrollably and could not breathe properly. As I laid there in the shower, old thoughts returning: “Take the scalpel and make the pain and
blood wash away all of it”. I laid there, crying, shaking, quenched breath … I was a hair length away from cutting myself up. My children, parents, sister all came to mind and that’s why I´m still here. I hate myself so much because of writing this down. After I managed to get out of the shower, I spent 30 minutes fixing the towel so that it doesn´t slip off me and exposes my chest. I can´t look at myself. Then I watched a movie while crying all the way through (the movie was “Let Me In” from 2011, watch it, I love it). Then, I took my anxiety pills and started writing this post. Finally I calmed down a little, turned my phone off and keep to myself. I have no idea how I´m supposed to go to work tomorrow…
I need to get on hormone replacement therapy soon. Don’t know how long I can keep this up…